Friday, January 12, 2007

Something Is Wrong, or TMI

I think I am sick. At least, something is wrong. I cannot stop sleeping. In fact, I am actually typing this post while lying on my belly in my bed with my face pressed into the pillow and my jaw open and drool coming out of my mouth. Literally.

And by "literally," I mean "figuratively." Because that's just how trend-savvy I am.

Anyway.

I went to bed last night and spent the night having wide-screen, technicolor, Sensurround dreams populated by many people that I actually know in real life! That never happens! I had a dream in which I re-married Mr. Sweetie is some half-assed unrehearsed wedding where someone accidentally elbowed me in the nose and I FELT IT! For reals!

Then I went back to high school (still in my dream) to finish my schooling, and had to face down the Popular Girl, who couldn't quite believe that I was married and kept sneaking glances at my rings, while vowing to themselves that their engagement rings would be AT LEAST two full carats biiger than mine was. (Which, FYI, was and is a lovely, tasteful solitare.)

And the sad thing? Was that I was awake enough to realize that, even in my dreams, I was still an unclassified outsider in my own school.

To continue: I got up, got the kidlets to school, and went back to bed. Where I proceeded to sleep and sleep and sleep, even though the dog announced the arrival of the mail (Bow! Wow! bowwowowowowowowowowowowowowowow! BOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!)

It was one o'clock before I woke up, and my nose was stuffed with opaque and bloody phlem that had hardened in my nose and turned into slabs of ossified snot that came out of my nose like scabs. (Yes, that was too much information, but I did warn you.) There is something chilling about finding that your head is bleeding inside, isn't there? Something, well, scary?

But, on top of all that, I am feeling the familiar gravitational pull of depression. It seems to be worst in the shower. That is where I start feeling the feelings of failure, coupled with the complete physical inability to prevent whatever may happen next. I get to relive, psychically, all the mistakes I have ever made in my life, with the added bonus of feeling both guilty and inadequate in the past AS WELL AS obviously inadequate for the immediate future.

Dog needs a walk? Can't do it. Kids need to be picked up from school? Thank God for cars, but can I really do all that driving between schools and music lessons? Dinner? Who the hell cares?

It's not so bad that I can't see the foolishness, but I still can't stop it. And I can see the chicken-and-eggness of it too. Am I feeling like this because I am sick, and that's making me feel depressed too, or am I depressed and that's making me sleep and feel sick?

How can I tell?

2 comments:

Jill said...

Sounds like the illness is driving the depression.(Nothing like a distant non-physician diagnosis, is there?) Check in with your real physician and see if he/she can offer anything by way of antibiotic. If the depression hangs on after that, it would appear you might have a problem. Otherwise, once the antibiotic takes hold, you may be able to see the world with a little more clarity.

At any rate, that's what I would recommend to a physical acquaintance. The blog world shouldn't work that differently...

Cate Ross said...

Just what my Mr. Sweetie would say. He's not a physician, but he works in the health care industry, so you both have similar credentials. Thanks, I'm hoping you are right. I'll go check into my clinic...