I am a virtual prisoner in my own home. I am reduced to being the helpless slave of the household pets. It is a horror show.
Scene: computer desk in kitchen. MAE (Mistress of All Evil) is attempting to do something on the computer. Probably something not entirely frivolous.
SFX: slow increase in ambient noise volume, moving from mere murmurs, to animal sounds, resolving finally into actual dialogue.
DOG: You will pet me. You will pet me. I exist, therefore, I must be petted. I am a pet. Therefore I must be petted.
GUINEA PIG: Squee squee squee squee squee [SFX: violins from Psycho to accompany actual GP sounds]
DOG: Dog cosmology requires that dogs are supreme. Dog/God. Truth lies in the palindrome.
GUINEA PIG: I used to be a hay addict. Now I am a broccoli addict. Squee squee squee squee squee!
DOG: You exist. Therefore you pet me.
GUINEA PIG: I sense movement. You, my personal broccoli dealer, must supply me with more of that sweet sweet cavy cocaine.
DOG: If you do not pet me, do I not exist? Existential crisis!
GUINEA PIG: Ahhh, brassica, you do call to me. How I long for your Dietary Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin E , Vitamin K, Vitamin B6, Folate and Manganese. You run through my veins with the intoxication of your Thiamin and Riboflavin. Squee squee!
DOG: Dog existential crises are much worse when measured in dog years. I refuse to question my own dogly existence. LET THERE BE PETTING.
GUINEA PIG: I cannot help it! I have had no broccoli for five minutes. I sense your presence, and yet you do not provide a constant stream of green florets for my consumption. I curse you and the addiction you have brought upon me by providing fresh vegetables in my diet! SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE!
DOG: You cannot resist my gaze. You experience an irresistible urge to pet me. You are now in my power. I insert my muzzle into your hand. You will cease that senseless typing as I force your hand up to the top of my head and I walk on your keryboardsdr45w7 d jtlit hhhhhhiu7i7