There Is A Reason Amelia Earhart Was Never Found

On a recent business trip, Mr. Sweetie was scheduled for a meeting in Hartford, Connecticut until 5:30, and then was provided with a rental car and a plane reservation for 7:30. From Newark. That's in New Jersey.

And yes, places on the East Coast are close together, but don't forget the gravitational hole that is New York City. At rush hour.

So, sometime after 6:00 EDT, I receive a phone call from Mr. Sweetie.

"Um. Honey?"

"Uh oh."

"The map I have is bad--it's from the wrong place, and directs me to the wrong place. Can you look up the Newark Airport on Mapquest and give me directions?"

Can you hear the swelling of ominous music? Is there a married couple on the face of the earth who are able to give each other directions from a map without engendering serious arguments? Without both parties to the map reading wondering "Who the hell did I marry?" For the record, even in the best of times, my map reading methods drive my dear husband to want to drink scotch straight from the bottle. Not that there is anything wrong with the way I read a map--I know how to get where I am going. Is it my fault that his expectations are unreasonable and impossible?

Under the best of circumstances, it is a mistake for either one of us to read a map to the other. An Amelia Earhart/Fred Noonan-scale mistake. The size of the disaster is only exacerbated by the fact that only one of us is in the automobile and can identify landmarks. And that one of us is already late for the last plane of the day, and so is already driving 80 miles per hour in the vicinity of [small city name here].

The dialogue remains unenlightening:

"Mapquest says to go to Saw River Mill Parkway toward Route 117."

"Do I go onto Route 117? Does that take me to the Tappan Zee Bridge?"

"Um, I can't tell. Wait, later on it does say to go toward the Tappan Zee Bridge, so I guess that's yes."

"Yes I do go onto Route 117?"

"Well, it says go toward Route 117..."

"Which highway crosses the Tappan Zee? Could you look at the map, not at the directions?"

Me frantically pushing buttons to zoom in and out from the Mapquest maplet, unable to find the Tappan Zee Bridge. "Um, the map doesn't show the Tappan Zee bridge. It looks like it might be..."

Deep breath and a count to ten from other end of the phone. "Try typing in Tappan Zee into Google and tell me what highway goes across it."

Tappity tap tap as I try to Google Tappan Zee and get a lot of historical photos but no road directions.

"Wait--do I go onto to Route 117?"

Unable to get back to the Mapquest page and making a wild stab "Um, yes."

Traffic sounds from other end of line, and then "No, I don't think so. I'm on a two lane road circling an industrial park. Are you sure I'm supposed to be on 117?"

This goes on until Mr. Sweetie decides he is just going to hang up and drive, since pointing the car south is going to get him into the vicinity of New Jersey with less trauma than trying to understand my directions.

Twenty minutes later, the phone rings again. Does the Garden State Parkway intersect with the New Jersey Turnpike, and which one takes him to the airport? Back to Google, since Mapquest fails to identify either the Parkway or the Turnpike. Websites for "New Jersey Highways" produce stylized schematics that look rather frighteningly like the circulatory system of an eight week old fetus. And no directions to the airport either. Googling "Garden State Parkway" turns up websites that seem to indicate that the Parkway is the Turnpike--but then again maybe not.

As Mr. Sweetie keeps his voice calm and his breathing deep, and as I have no idea where on the map he is at any given time, nor can I get Mapquest to acknowledge the existence of an airport anywhere in New Jersey, Mr. Sweetie pulls up to a toll booth.

"Oh!" I say. "You are on the Turnpike." Yup--and I have an advanced degree to prove I'm smart.

Turns out that the guy collecting tolls does know where the hell the airport is, which makes him smarter and more helpful than me, all my diplomas, and the entire resources of the Internet. Mr. Sweetie makes it to Newark International, while his plane is still at the gate! However, he cannot get onto said plane--but that's another story.

What did we learn from this story? Map-reading ability should be one of those things that you have to prove before you can get a marriage license. Or put it into the marriage service--"In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for the inability to navigate one's way out of a paper bag even with interactive directions...."

If he had only known, Mr. Sweetie might be happily married to someone else.