Friday, June 03, 2005

And I'm Major Disappointment. So, Salute!

I've not really taken on the most recent Star Wars movies. Saw The Phantom Menace in theaters when it first came out, and haven't bothered with the last two. Hard to miss them, however--they pervade the pop cultural universe.

This is how I found out that there is a character in the most recent episode called "General Grievous." Okay, that's just silly. Imagine the dialogue that didn't make it into the final cut.

[Surveying smoking ruins of a battle site]:"That's what I call 'Grievous Damage'!"

"I'm known around the galaxy as 'Darth Sidious,' but you can call me 'In'."

"No, it's pronounced like the shopping center, but it's spelled M*A*U*L."

Actually, these stupid names give accidental heft to some of the earlier films. In the climactic scene in Return of the Jedi, the Emperor predicts that Luke will turn to the Dark Side. Luke insists "You are Gravely Mistaken."
I expected the following dialogue to occur. It didn't. Too bad.

"No, Gravely Mistaken is the governor of Palimsest. I am Palpatine."

"Palpatine? Aren't they at war with Israel?"

"No, that's Palestine. With a long "i." Palesteen is in Texas. I think."

"Was that a Major Conflict?"

"Major Conflict plays first base. General Confusion is the pitcher, and he throws the ball to Colonel Of Truth."

"I Don't Know..."

"Third Base!"

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