Separated At Birth, or the John Derek Syndrome

Surely you know the John Derek Syndrome. It's when you repeatedly divorce your spouse only to marry HER EXACT DUPLICATE! It's kind of like the Dread Pirate Roberts--the position of Mrs. John Derek was filled for years by women with different names, but they all looked the same: Ursula Andress. Linda Evans. Bo Derek.

It was like he grew them in his basement, and once one was "too old" he simply released a younger model.

So, imagine my horror when I discovered I have that exact Syndrome. Let me explain.

For about the last eight months, I have been virtually marinating in U2. Got the latest album: check. Went to the concert: check. Bought the complete oevre from iTunes: check. Signed up at U2.com, the official web site of the band: check. Stayed up way way too late on a school night to see the band on Conan O'Brien: check. Feels that God is in his heaven and all is right with the world because U2 won all five Grammys for which they were nominated: check. Turn "Vertigo" on EXTREMELY LOUD to get the kids out of bed in the mornings: check. Find myself feeling withdrawal symptoms when I forget to listen to U2 on any given day: check.

So, is it any wonder I have developed a celebrity crush on The Edge?

I mean, just look at him! He's handsome, he's got a lovely smile, he's incredibly talented while remaining criminally unpretentious. He sings! He plays guitar! He lets Bono make fun of him in public! He's my boyfriend and you can't have him!

But, like all the worst fairy tales, I started to wonder. Why does he wear that knitted cap all the time? Sure, he's always worn hats:

But what is the deal with that cap? Is it like the Phantom of the Opera, and he is afraid to take it off? Is he hiding Lord Voldemort on the back of his head? What is it? So, I Googled him, looking for what he looks like without the cap.

And I found one.

And I discovered he looks just exactly like one of my other boyfriends.

Patrick Stewart.