An Antidote to the Angst--"Momilies"

Okay, enough of my whining. They say that when you are feeling bad, you should help someone else with their problems, and it will make yours seem smaller. So, let's see who has bigger problems than I do that I can help?

Britney Spears, post VMAs.

Now there's someone with bigger problems than I have, although apparently she has enough money that if she could just buy the solutions, she'd be set. But what she doesn't have is a mother who gives her the kind of advice that mothers give--so that's what I can do for her: I can give her a mother's advice.

You're such a pretty girl, why do you do that with your hair?

This is the cry of all mothers everywhere. We see our daughters' beautiful faces, and the hair fashions of the day just do not show off that beauty properly. Hair should be clean, neat, out of the face, and not all shaved off.

One of the stories making the rounds of the gossip blogs is that Britney and her hairdresser had a tiff just before showtime, and he cut all her hair extensions in half before storming out. This is supposed to explain the odd blunt cut look she sported with her spangly bikini, but really? Seriously? They were all the same length. Anyway, aren't you supposed to be nice to the people helping you?

Oh, and brush your hair 100 strokes every night before going to bed.

It's more important to get a good night's sleep before a big test than it is to stay up all night studying.

This one is important, Britney. If you are going to give your best performance, you should prepare as much as possible, and then get a good night's sleep and have a healthy breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day, you know.

This means not arriving at rehearsal 3 hours late, with frozen margarita in hand, and not going out to parties with P. Diddy until 3 in the morning either. You do that after you've finished your homework/test/nationally televised performance, not before.

You are not going out in public dressed like that.

Really, if you are going out in public, you should dress appropriately. No one wants to see your underwear, and it only hurts your reputation if you go out looking like a tramp. The word is "age-appropriate," dear, and don't stuff yourself into something that doesn't fit right. The right boys will pay attention to you when you dress properly: you really don't want the kind of attention dressing like that will bring you.

Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

This one is worth repeating like a mantra. Sure, your original plan to have Criss Angel do magic tricks so you would disappear and reappear during the performance was scuttled, which is a real setback, but that isn't an excuse, because you still went on.

This was supposed to be your comeback, and a "comeback," if it is worth doing at all, means that you have to put your best effort into it. All those dancers around you were putting their hearts into their dancing, and you could have sold your performance if you had believed it was worth doing.

Always wear clean underwear, in case you are in an accident.

Or, as famous as you are, wear underwear because paparazzi will get pictures that show you aren't wearing any. At all. Again. Which is just not something anybody wants to see. Really. Go buy some cute panties, something comfortable and cotton. It will be the right thing to do, and shows some self-respect.

Yes, I know a lot of the other girls are going commando under miniskirts too. But if all the other kids jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Close your mouth before a fly gets in.

You have a lot of excuses for why this performance was so poor: allergy drops, Sarah Silverman's comments about your kids, your heel broke on stage. This is just poor sportsmanship, Britney, and you need to do better than that. Yes, things went wrong--it's the nature of live performance, and you've had enough experience to know that. Blaming others for your failure is simply immature and doesn't convince anyone anywhere. Remember, silence is golden.

You'll thank me for this some day.

I know this is harsh, but trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you. We only want what is best for you, dear, and this can be a learning experience. Right now, what you need to do is to go home and concentrate on the important things: your kids, the custody battle, your mental health. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anybody else.


"Momilies," a book by Michele Slung, published by Bantam Books