When Boobs Misbehave

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: Okay, we've been spotted, I'm going to make a break for it.

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: Wha. . .? What are you doing?

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: I think the guy in the dark suit and sunglasses is a cop. The jig is up. I'm heading to our hide-out in the armpit over here.

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: (hissing) You get back here! You can't leave, we're on the red carpet, for gods' sakes! We're surrounded by photographers! You'll never make it!

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: Look, I've arranged a diversion. Those wrinkles down the front are going to grab all the attention while I make my getaway.

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: No they're not! They're just what happens when satin gets into a limo--they've all seen it before.

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: Then the clutch! What is a clutch for, anyway, except a diversionary tactic to take attention away from something that might be going wrong!

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: That's not going to work! She didn't bring the bright colored one OR the one covered with sparkles--Eva Longoria Parker got that one. You don't have a chance with that bland thing she's got that's the exact same color as her hands. Look--you are NOT leaving me here alone to take the blame for this!

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: But I can't get caught! Salma Hayek's boobs tried to get away, and now they are locked up tight! I'm too young to go to prison!

Golden Globes--Random Thoughts, with Pictures!!

Marissa Tomei, sporting her Pirates of the Caribbean audition costume. Actually, I really liked this look--totally unlike anybody else on the red carpet; undeniably formal yet looking remarkably comfortable.





















No, that's not a belt, it's a sash, for holding her scabbard, ya scurvy dog!

Cameron Diaz, once again taking the "tumbled out of bed" look too literally.





















Furthermore--what is with the hair? The two-tone look is just so bad and so obvious. If you are going darker, for a part or just for a change, couldn't you dye the ends to blend better than that? Or, if you've damaged the ends beyond repair, and simply have to grow them out--there HAS to be a better hairstyle that would hide what look like Extreme Roots.

The dress is a pretty color, but the hair makes the whole thing look rumpled.

Gerard Butler looks mighty fine:





















Since I haven't seen "Phantom of the Opera" or "300" I don't know the answer, but does he always talk with just the one side of his mouth? I have no idea what he was presenting, I was so fixated on the way the right side of his face didn't seem to move the entire time he was talking. Did he just wear the Phantom mask for too long?

Drew Barrymore--LOVE the dress.




















The hair--not so much. It looks like Angie Dickinson in "Police Woman", or like the drunk and desperately unhappy Ewing wives of the old "Dallas" show. This is not a good thing.

On the other hand, you look happy, and pretty, and the dress is great, so we're going to assume you were assaulted by a stylist who had breathed in too many hairspray fumes. We don't blame you, dear.














Big honkin' rings. What is the deal here? This is Evan Rachel Wood sporting a big honkin ring on her index finger, the only color in her outfit, and it's just weird looking.

Amy Adams had on a similar one--same color, and same finger even. At least hers matched her earrings, but still!

Olivia Wilde has one on as well, but I've already posted her picture a bunch of times, so you'll just have to go back and look there.

Listen, I know how hard it can be to stop when it comes to putting on sparkly things--and these are (probably) even real! (If loaned.) But unless you are either the Pope or Marlon Brando in the Godfather, put down the rings and nobody gets hurt.

Scary Women

What is it about these women? They look like they'd rip your throat out as much as look at you. Maybe they are lovely, maybe they are lad favorites, but they scare me.






















Olivia Wilde looks far too frightening to be wearing such a soft pastel. The light lavender says "innocent" and "light-hearted," while her face says "I can project laser beams out of my eyeballs, so DON'T CROSS ME, bitch."





















Meghan Fox looks like maybe she was carefully genetically engineered, and then vacuum-packed into that dress. As soon as she thaws out completely from her cryogenic intergalactic trip, she's going to kick some human butt.

J.Lo--well, for one thing, she's J.Lo, famous for being perfect. But I bet her twins are scared straight when she gives them this look.




















At least you can tell she's not gonna wear any damn corset.

Golden Globe Trends--Make-up

Not really a trend, just not something I thought we'd see--the arrival of make-up so understated that it looks like the actress isn't actually wearing any.

Exhibit A--Renee Zellweger:



















What is going on here? She's got an armored dress on--her hair is totally "professionally styled," but she's so pale it looks like she just scrubbed her face with Physoderm or something.

No color on her lips, no visible eyeshadow--even her eyebrows look no more than just barely shaped. Frankly, I think she looks pretty washed out, leaving us nothing to distract ourselves from the weirdly diaphanous top to her dress. Is she wearing a corset under there?




















Finally, Amy Adams. Yes, we love Amy just like we love Maggie Gyllenhal. She is cute, funny, capable of many different looks. The one she is modeling here is called "Tired."




















Which is really too bad. The hair is supposed to be loose around her face, and her make-up is very understated, but she just looks like it's been a long hard week already, and it's only Sunday night.

Could somebody fetch her some coffee?

Golden Globe Trends--belts

I never really thought of a belt as an accessory to an evening gown, but there were belts aplenty at the Golden Globes this year.



















Laura Linney--who is a fabulous actress and whom we love unabashedly, has a jeweled belt which keeps her gown from looking too much like a toga, and adds some evening bling to what might otherwise look like an overly long sundress. It might not be fair to even call this a belt, since it so defines the dress shape--maybe a "jeweled waistband?"





















Olivia Wilde has a highly pleated and ruched dress, with a sort of "self-belt" added in. Does it really add anything to the line of the dress? It does emphasize her waist, at least in this close-up, and gives her somewhere to wear a diamond brooch, since she hasn't got any shoulder to pin it on.

Even the English thoroughbreds are wearing belts--Kristin Scott Thomas and Kate Winslet. Kate's is--again--not really necessary except as a way to define her waist. No harm, no foul on this one, other than as an instance of a trend we may need to nip in the bud.



















Kristin's is kind of, how do you say, matronly? I am not at all fond the contrast between the taupe satin and the black belt. Maybe it's just that I think the combination simply repeats the unfortunate color of her too dark hair and her washed out complexion. Or maybe it's that the dress itself is so meh that all there is to look at is her too dark hair and her belt.




















Even her make-up is just meh. This is what I think of whenever somebody mentions "a middle-aged woman."




















The whole thing is just too Mother Of The Groom for a red carpet, don't you think?


Maggie Gyllenhal--one of my favorite actresses since "Secretary." I thought that was a tremendously brave performance and she sold it. She is also capable of selling me on this gown which most critics didn't like. But here a belt makes sense--it constructs the shape of the dress, which would probably otherwise look like a muu-muu, it's a coordinating color, so it doesn't overwhelm the dress, but is an integral part of it.



















Maybe it's just her unusual (for Hollywood) looks, but this dress gives off a 40s vibe for me, with the single big ruffle on the shoulder, and the narrow and tailored line of the rest of it--the kind of gown you'd make if you had fabric rationing to keep the Boys at the Front supplied with uniforms.


Kyra Sedgewick's may be my least favorite belt. For one thing, it looks like those cheesy belts that used to come with just about everything--self-fabric or something, where somebody glued the remnants of the dress to a slightly-more-supple-than-cardboard backing and called it a belt.



















Plus, there is no point for a belt there--the dress doesn't really have a focal point at the waist, as Olivia Wilde's does, and the belt just makes the dress look like a geometry proof on isoceles triangles. The dress is obviously tailored to her body, and wouldn't have billowed around her without the belt (as Kristin Scott Thomas' threatens to do). In fact, without the belt, the dress would have projected more of the old 1930s glamor than it does. I think the belt actually reduces the dress's ability to make a statement.

Finally, the end of the belt just dangles in the air. There is no loop to keep it close to the body so it just reinforces the image that Kyra just couldn't leave the house without a belt--to keep her gun in, perhaps?

There were more examples of belts, but let's just declare this a trend that shouldn't continue, shall we?

Golden Globe Trends--Corsets

I know that these women are fabulously fit and beautiful, but the look--the look just screams corset. Are they really back?




















Christina Applegate is a decent example--there is such a stiffness to the upper half of this dress, the old 1950's strapless look, when you'd swear the dress would stand up by itself. In fact, Christina kind of looks incidental to the dress, like it's wearing her.



















Lisa Edelstein was an early arrival, and E! spent a lot of time showing her. This picture doesn't quite show what I was seeing, which was a woman in a dress that held her boobs up like they were being served on a platter, above a cinched waist.




















Amy Adams is a tiny person, as anyone who's seen "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" can testify--you see ALL of Amy Adams in that film, and there's not a lot of flesh there, but even she looks like that dress is doing a lot of work that she doesn't need.


Nobody, but NOBODY worked their gown more than Eva Longoria-Parker, and she looked FABULOUS. But just look at the perfect lines of that dress and tell me there's nothing but Eva under there. Yeah, I couldn't keep a straight face either.



















Here's Sigourney Weaver, totally smokin' as she approaches 50, but she has a body that looks like a real human body.



















Her boobs aren't up on a shelf, and she didn't cling to a bedpost while Mammy pulled her laces to get her 14 inch waist. You look at Sigourney and you really see how artificial the look is up above.
Yeah, I know, what a surprise, Hollywood is artificial.

I don't mind it that they are totally corseted--I just don't want to see it trickle down to the rest of us!

More Golden Globes

Just because it's now two days post-show, does that mean I'm going to stop posting about it? Hells to the no!




















So, let's get started: Evan Rachel Wood. Doesn't she look lovely? Such lovely skin, and she has such elegant bones.

Girlfriend has dropped the Marilyn Manson look and no longer goes out in public looking like she's been playing in her mother's makeup.



















Yup--it's official, I'm old. Because what is this post but someone old enough to be her mother is saying to this 22-year old "You have such a pretty face! Why do you cover it up like that?"

Actually, I also like the more dramatic look too, but don't tell anybody or I'll lose my mom credentials.

Golden Globes Gewgaws

I was going to call this "Golden Globes Gossip" but I missed so much of what was televised. Yeah, it sucks when you are called on to actually parent your kids during something as important as a televised awards show. So, I didn't see the big winners, I missed out on a lot of the post-show chatter, but that WILL NOT STOP ME from posting anyway.

Eva Mendes.



















Loved the dress. Could not take my eyes off the necklace, which I did hear was from 1974, and really had to be one of the few things from that era that was worth keeping around. The hair? Not so much. It was messy--not artfully, intentionally messy, more like "I fell asleep in the limo while waiting to get onto the red carpet" messy. But she's so beautiful, it probably doesn't matter at all.

I've already expressed my desire for Susan Sarandon's diamond chain, so the other piece of neckware that is crave worthy was Beyonce's:



















As the bootylicious babe demonstrates, you can't be too rich or have too many diamonds.

Pretty, Pretty People

I am watching the Golden Globes, because what is better on a wicked cold January night than seeing pretty pretty people in pretty pretty clothes wearing pretty pretty jewelry. I started with the red carpet show on E! (Does one pronounce the exclamation point? And if so, how?) We are told that it is really hot in LA, which sounds delightful to me, as rather than 80 degrees, our weather forecast consists of more snow and then arctic temperatures.

You know what? Red carpet interviews are really boring. Especially the first ones, since there are only about 5 "stars" here yet, and we have to keep going over and over the same outfits--first with Ryan Seacrest (how does this guy have a career? Is there such a thing as negative charisma? And what happens when it comes in contact with actual charisma?), then with Guiliana Rancic, and again with Jay Manuel and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat.








(This is not it, but it's not far off either.)


But the show finally gets some energy with the arrival of Alec Baldwin--blowing and then swallowing an enormous gum bubble--and we get the answer: when actual charisma comes in contact with negative charisma, the negative charisma slides off screen and surrenders his microphone.

Ricky Gervais! Isn't even nominated, but is here with his normal sized wife. Am I the only person who hasn't noticed before this that Ricky Gervais has vampire teeth? He totally does.












I loved him standing up as a presenter still holding his beer.





















Why oh why does anybody interview Rumer Willis? She is "Miss Golden Globe"--which is not a speaking part nor is it worth asking any questions about either. The hair color is good, the dress isn't exactly bad, but DUDE! She's the crossing guard for onstage! This is not air-worthy.




















Susan Sarandon and her son--we love Susan Sarandon, don't we all? She wants to keep her diamond chain. I want her diamond chain. She looked luscious, timeless, and comfortable. I want to be Susan Sarandon in my next life.

There were a ton of beautiful dresses and women and jewels. Lots of bared shoulders and mermaid hemlines. I can't wait for the people magazine.