The Poisoned Apple

If you had asked me, as recently as Sunday, what was my worst addiction, I probably would have said "Diet Coke (TM)." I have been known to brave inclement weather, or worse, actually gone to the grocery store when I have run out of that Sweet Elixir of Life. The day becomes palpably brighter once I have that first golden caramel colored, aspartame sweetened, decaffeinated, carbonated drink. Poured over a veritable mountain of ice--a 1-to-1 ratio of ice to drink is best--it has got to be second only to oxygen on my personal Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Or, if not Diet Coke (TM), then perhaps I would have said that internet access has become like a life-support system, and I can barely function on my own once I have been unplugged from The Machine. Sure, I can breathe, and my organs function properly--but can it truly be called "living" if I don't have access to email and gossip and all the wondrous opportunities for self-education offered by this worthy successor to the Library at Alexandria?

But, I would have been wrong. Despite all the time and attention I put into maintaining a reliable supply of Diet Coke (TM) and high-speed internet access, they are not my most crippling addictions. After all, there are other things to drink, and other ways to occupy my brain, and if I had to live without either of them, I would be able to do so.

What I cannot live without is my iPod.

Sunday night was Family Movie Night here at Chez Evil, and so despite the fact that I was listening to a mystery novel, and the detective had gathered all the characters around to reveal whodunnit. . .I set aside the iPod and joined my family to watch The Emperor's New Groove. Which I had seen before. But, really, I do make noble sacrifices for my family.

Once the movie was over, and the kidlets sent off to bed, I decided to pick up my mystery again. But my iPod. . .. . .wasn't there!

Oh horrors! O mores! O tempores! Oh no! I couldn't find it anywhere! Worse than that, I couldn't remember where I had set it down before sitting down to watch the movie. I had considered taking it with me, but I knew that I'd keep listening until I finished the book, and that was going to take in excess of 45 minutes. So, just like a cigarette fiend only smokes outside, I forbore to even have the temptation on my person, so I would be able to participate in the life of my family. But where had that been?

I looked all the likely places on Sunday night--was it in the playroom, where we watched the movie? It wasn't anywhere in there, or in the dining room, or the kitchen, where I was listening while cleaning up after dinner. Oh, well, I had the audio book on iTunes, and so I listened to the ending there. Yesterday was Martin Luther King holiday, and the kidlets were home from school, so I couldn't really have buried myself in another audio novel, so I let it go. I did ask the Famille Evil if any of them had seen my iPod, but got no affirmative responses.

By this time, I had been 24 hours without my iPod, and I was starting to feel like I had lost a limb. I got in the car to run an errand--and there was no iPod to plug in, so I had to listen to the radio! Quel horreur! I wanted to see if I had properly loaded the Hindi lyrics to the Lagaan soundtrack. . .oh, but wait! I need an iPod to do that!

Things came to a head today. I was preparing to take the dog for his walk, which is an incredibly boring thing to do, as I have no interest in the smells he is so fascinated by. The iPod is perfect for keeping my brain entertained as I trek the 7-10 blocks His Highness needs to work off his energy. I can listen to a novel and keep my ears warm at the same time! But! I. Had. No. iPod.

So, while dog danced and moaned, visibly anxious to get out the door--I prowled around looking for my fix. I checked all the horizontal surfaces on the first floor, checked under pillows and cushions, crawled around to peer beneath furniture and radiators. How could it not be here? It's not like it's a Shuffle, which is only slightly bigger than a postage stamp. It's a full sized iPod, at least the size of a pack of cigarettes. Plus! I have it in a silver aluminum case with crystals across the face of it. It should sparkle, or glow, or something!

No luck. I had to take the dog because he just couldn't wait any longer. I ended up with a paperback novel, which I had to juggle with the leash and the bag of "canine waste" and let me tell you it isn't easy to turn pages while wearing gloves.

I got into the EvilVan to go down to my studio, and had to listen to the radio. Worse, I had to listen to the radio once I got there! This was ridiculous! It seemed like every five minutes I kept having to remember that--I lost my iPod! Waaaaaah!!

This was Damsel-in-Distress territory, here. What was I going to do without my iPod? How would I live? I would I stand a lifetime of walking a dog with no music or books in my ears? I needed a knight in shining armor to rescue me from this debacle.

Cue: Mr. Sweetie. Of course it was Mr. Sweetie! He is my rescuer all the damn time. And tonight he came downstairs after checking in with the girlies who were doing their homework. "Bunny," he said, "was listening to music and was all 'Okay, Dad, but NOW can I get back to my homework?"

"Wait," I said. "What was she listening to?"

Mr. Sweetie didn't know--after all, she was wearing earphones, so he couldn't hear.

"But, she doesn't have a computer. . .maybe she borrowed her sister's iPod. . ."

Later in the evening, Bunny came downstairs to use the main computer, so I asked her.
"Were you listening to music while you were doing your homework?"

Her expression suddenly became both guarded and coy. "Maybe."

"Were you listening on my iPod?"

"Could be."

"Can I go into your room and get it back?"

"Actually, I put it into your room" she said.

I didn't actually fly up the stairs to be reunited with my Precioussssss--but I wasted no time. And now I have it back. Let the addiction resume!