For Your Timewasting Internet Needs

I present to you the latest in what I like to call "working at the computer."

Pundit Kitchen

Homer's Odyssey, Book 16: A Study Guide

The text (from the Internet Classics Archive) gives us the reunion of Odysseus/Ulysses and his son Telemachus like this:

Ulysses came back inside the hut. His son was astounded when he saw him, and turned his eyes away for fear he might be looking upon a god.

"Stranger," said he, "how suddenly you have changed from what you were a moment or two ago. You are dressed differently and your colour is not the same. Are you some one or other of the gods that live in heaven? If so, be propitious to me till I can make you due sacrifice and offerings of wrought gold. Have mercy upon me."

And Ulysses said, "I am no god, why should you take me for one? I am your father, on whose account you grieve and suffer so much at the hands of lawless men."

As he spoke he kissed his son, and a tear fell from his cheek on to the ground, for he had restrained all tears till now. but Telemachus could not yet believe that it was his father, and said:

"You are not my father, but some god is flattering me with vain hopes that I may grieve the more hereafter; no mortal man could of himself contrive to do as you have been doing, and make yourself old and young at a moment's notice, unless a god were with him. A second ago you were old and all in rags, and now you are like some god come down from heaven."

Ulysses answered, "Telemachus, you ought not to be so immeasurably astonished at my being really here. There is no other Ulysses who will come hereafter. Such as I am, it is I, who after long wandering and much hardship have got home in the twentieth year to my own country. What you wonder at is the work of the redoubtable goddess Minerva, who does with me whatever she will, for she can do what she pleases. At one moment she makes me like a beggar, and the next I am a young man with good clothes on my back; it is an easy matter for the gods who live in heaven to make any man look either rich or poor."

As he spoke he sat down, and Telemachus threw his arms about his father and wept.

The re-enactment of this touching scene, as performed by the 5th Period 9th Grade English Class.

O: Telemachus. I am your father.
T: Aw, hells naw!
O: It's true.

[O and T simultaneously draw a finger down from the corner of their left eye to the cheek, as if tracing a tear.]

Curtain down.

Makes you wish you were there, doesn't it?

Oh Yeah! I'm Bragging!

Tragedy struck Chez Evil this evening, when I discovered we were out of Bailey's Irish Cream. Yeah, it's a horrible enough situation that I went out In The Dark, in Seventeen Degree Weather to go to the liquor store and correct this appalling situation.

This particular liquor store double checks ID against the credit card--they have probably been on the unpaid end of some credit card theft, so they check everybody. So as the clerk rang up my purchase, I handed him my driver's license and credit card.

He glanced back and forth between the two, checking that the names matched --WHICH they DO--and handed back my license. Then he did a double take. Then he asked for my license back, because he wanted to CHECK MY BIRTH DATE!

He seemed a little confused as he handed it back the second time, and I said something dismissive like "I really am old now."

His answer? "No, I thought you were in like your twenties, like twenty five or something."

SCORE ONE FOR EVIL!!!!

Hooked on Puppies

The fabulous Suefunky sent me this link, and it's gotten addictive. Beware! This link will take you to cute puppies!
















It's a live feed of a litter of 7 Havanese puppies inside a puppy playpen. I can tell I've gotten too attached when I clicked in this evening and noticed which items have been removed for laundering.

Okay, that was maybe a little bit too revealing about my pathetic life. It's a good thing I don't have any more information about these puppies, or I might be tempted to acquire one. Or two. Would all seven be excessive?

English Majors in the "News"

Thanks to Doc Jen over at Fertile Plots, comes this literary analysis of Jane Austen and the Great American Pasttime.



My laugh for the day.

Rhymes with "Dorky"

Well, this looks desperate. Courtesy of Fussy, I have now been "introduced" to Norky, the "New Original GOODWILL character"--although apparently in no way actually connected to Goodwill Industries International, Inc.

According to his website, Norky is the one and only penguin/eagle cross, who lives at the North Pole and is now in charge of Santa's international spook organization, spying on the world's youth and reporting on the naughty and nice activities, as well as being informed as to their sleeping patterns.

Norky, the misbegotten lovechild of an unholy (dare one say "fowl"?) genetic experiment, is not just Santa's narc, he's also desperate for attention. Would you like Norky to appear at YOUR next special event? Apparently no event is too small--according to the Norky web site:

NORKY has appeared at Schools, Hospitals, Special Needs Camps, THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, Fourth of July Celebrations, Aids Walks, Memorial Day Events,Baseball games, Half-Time Basketball games, Christmas Parades, Kwanzaa Parades, African-American Festivals, Chinese New Year Festivals, Latin & Spanish Family Festivals, Jewish Festivals, Ice Shows, Eco Shows,Book Festivals, DONALD TRUMP'S CELEBRITY GOLF CHARITY EVENTS, Kids Fairs, YMCA's, YWCA's, MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION, Boys & Girls Clubs, SALVATION ARMY etc.

One wonders if he was actually invited to all these "events," or like Paris Hilton, just shows up and acts like he's supposed to be there.

But his talents don't end there-- he has even been "interviewed on the News." Apparently, Norky is desperate to unload copies of his new CD, to the point where he's willing to do anything to get your attention, including "flying with his Big Yellow Shoes" as well as walking and talking too!

What I find most disturbing, however, is this photo:














What the hell? "The L. Ron Hubbard Winter Wonderland"? Tom Cruise, is that you inside that dopey costume? Has your career really gotten that bad?

My To Do List

My new iPod Touch has an application that allows me to make To Do lists. Currently on the list of things To Do:

1. The Hustle






















2. That Voodoo That You Do So Well






















3. Wah Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Dum












4. Be A Do Bee






















5. The Right Thing

Remember When Crazy People Thought They Were Napoleon?

So, Oprah has opened an online store, just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Nobody ever said she was dumb.

But--really? I mean, really? If she sold some of the stuff she has featured on her "Favorite Things" episodes, I'd be over there shopping my heart out. But that's not what is there.

What is there? Everything you can think of that can either have an "O" put on it, or be made in the shape of an "O." Need a refrigerator magnet? You can get the letter O. You want a key ring? You can choose one with "Oprah" written on it, or "The Oprah Winfrey Show" stamped on it, or an "O" spelled out in Swarovski crystals.

Clothing? Stationery? Pet equipment? Same deal.

Most eye-rolling? The opening page for Home Living: "Your home should say who you are."

Buy from this store, and you are apparently operating under the delusion that you are Oprah Winfrey.

And If You Wash Your Car, It Will Rain.

Last May, when I made a reservation for my Prius, gas was pushing $4 per gallon. The tipping point for me was filling the tank on my minivan, and the total was over $50 (as I recall). At the dealership, the salesman was predicting $6 per gallon wasn't far off.

Today, local stations are selling gas for $1.95 per gallon--less than half the price six months ago, less than it's been in the last 2-3 years. I filled my Prius tank for approximately $15.

I'm feeling inappropriately smug, right now, because while you alls' gas bills have fallen--they haven't fallen as much as mine has!

And when the inevitable happens, and gas prices bounce back up again, I'll still be saving money.

The Name Game--Presidential Edition

So, like many of you, we here at Chez Evil were aware of the historic nature of the recent presidential election. So the girls were headed to bed when Barack Obama took the stage at Grant Park, and we called them back to see this historic speech.

One look at the crowds of people passionately invested in the new president made it clear to us all: It was an Obama-rama.

Since the girls were headed to bed, it was also an Obama-pajama-rama.

I was there, as the Obama-pajama-rama-mama.

If I had been wearing my South American fauna p.j.s, it would have been an Obama-llama-pajama-mama-rama.

The speech was dignified and moving. Yup. It was an Obama-llama-pajama-mama-rama-drama.

If only our troops had captured the elusive head of al Queda. Then it would have been an Obama-llama-pajama-mama-rama-Osama-drama.

Okay, now I'm done.

Mark Your Calendars for Summer 2009

I don't know what the release date is on this one, but I'm going to go buy tickets NOW.

I have a thing for cute grumpy old men, I guess.



But the detail! The loving way they made the tarp slide off the mass of balloons, the care with which we see the people watching the house go up--even though we only see them for less than 3 seconds. I even love the chimpmunk looking Boy Scout, with all his camping tins clanging as he runs into the house.

Oh yeah, I'm there. Maybe my kids will even come too.

News Flash! Grumpy Old Man Disapproves Of Kids Today

MSN Today had a highlighted article: "Five Valid Reasons to Stop Using Cell Phones." It's a summary of another article written by a guy who refuses to use a cell phone. I'll save you the trouble of clicking through and summarize them for you. Because I'm just that selfless.

1. Shut Up And Drive. All you kids drag racing through town and talking on your cell phones--somebody is going to get hurt, you punks. Those damn kids today, with their technology can't pay attention to the road! Back in my day, all we had was hollering back at the radio, while lighting our cigarettes and tossing the butts out the window. And that was much safer!

2. You Get Distracted. Back in my old Econ 101 class, we called this "opportunity costs," and so that's what I'm calling it. But what really frosts my cookies is that back in the Good Old Days, only doctors needed to be on call, and they only needed pagers. Damn kids like you, who ought to be in knee britches anyway, who needs to call you? And if you want to talk to each other--what's wrong with two tin cans and some string? It was good enough for my generation; it's good enough for yours.

3. Cell phone accessories are expensive. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here, but you shouldn't be spending money on wrist straps and text messaging and internet access, and I don't know what all. Why don't you save that money instead and buy a war bond? Do some good for a change, you uppity whipper-snappers.

4. Nobody needs to call you. We did just fine, back when all we had were land lines, and we had to pick up the earpiece and joggle the handle until Ernestine could connect our call. If somebody called us and we weren't there, they just had to call back until we were there. And if they got frustrated and never called us back, we didn't know about it and we did just fine.

So you think this is a lot like number 2 up there, do you? Well, that's all right, because what do you damn kids have to talk about anyway? Didn't you just see each other all day in school? And don't sass your elders.

5. Five? Did I say five? There isn't a number five. Why do there have to be five? Because that's the title of the piece? Dammit, then, there's all that talk on them webby net things about brain cancer. Or maybe it will give you hairy ears. Or make your eyes go bad. Something like that. That might be true, and anyway, we never got hairy ears from our tin cans.

So get rid of those damn phone thingies, and get off my lawn!


Yeah--guess I'll leave my cell phone at home when I go take the buggy out, mister. Because there are no opportunity costs to missing business calls if you are away from your office, are there? Or if you don't work in an office. There is no value as a parent of having a way for your children to reach you if they need you or a way to reach your kids either. Apparently it didn't occur to you that anybody might Or have a cell phone INSTEAD of a land line.

I swear, this guy has got to be like 206 years old.

Does Everybody Know About This But Me?

So I recently found Beyonce's new single on YouTube, and sure--the lyrics are kind of anti-feminist in a third wave kind of way, but even so, the whole thing works for me. I like the percussive song, and the black-and-white dance number is something else.




Then I discovered the choreography was supposed to be an homage to Gwen Verdon--the wife of Bob Fosse and an incredible dancer herself. I knew her from the movie version of Damn Yankees, and her fictionalized version from All That Jazz. So I already knew who she was, and was impressed that Beyonce admired her.

Admired? Hell--stole! This is the original Gwen Verdon "Mexican Breakfast"--which is pretty damn near exactly what Beyonce did, only with more clothes.



So, I have to say that I don't think polyester pantsuits really made for good dancewear--but dayum, that choreography totally holds up. The song, however, is one of those painfully cheesy 60s instrumentals that you'd expect to find exhumed for an Austin Powers movie. So turn off the volume, and admire that not only is this 1960, but it's live TV from the Ed Sullivan show--no retakes, no cuts, no rest.

Just--wow.

Politics As Usual

Things are getting nail-bitingly close here. The senatorial race between Republican incumbent Norm Coleman and Democratic challenger Al Franken is down to less than 400 votes. In a world where President Obama has been declared a landslide winner, the Senatorial race in traditionally Democratic Minnesota is too close to call.

Less than 400 votes out of 2.9 million cast. The election has not been called by any media outlet, nor has it been certified. Minnesota has a law that when an election has less than a one half of one percent margin, the ballots are automatically counted. This margin is far smaller than that.

And yet--Norm Coleman has declared victory. He has declared victory in a press conference, he has declared victory on his web site. Furthermore, he has called for Al Franken to waive his right to a recount, claiming that that odds of overturning the result are extremely low.

I hate this about politics. Sure, intellectually, I understand this--declare yourself the winner, and a surprising number of people will believe it. Hell--the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that a Florida recount would constitute irreparable damage to the winner--George Bush. You'd think that people smart enough to be on the Supreme Court would understand that until the recount was complete, it was premature to call George Bush the winner. But the tactic confused even them.

So if you are Norm Coleman, why not try it? It worked so well for Bush in 2000. Plus, he gets to plant the idea in people's minds that he is the "real" winner. Furthermore, he has been canny in playing the "tax and spend Democrat" card, by claiming that by NOT waiving the recount, Al Franken is wasting taxpayer money in demanding the arduous task of recounting.

But the margin! It was thought to be around 800 on Wednesday morning. By Wednesday evening it was closer to 300. Shouldn't Norm be certain he has won before he calls Franken a sore loser?

NO! Because in politics, perception is at least half the reality. If Minnesotans become convinced that Norm is the "real" winner--then he wins.

I understand it, but it still makes me want to go rinse my mouth out with Bailey's Irish Cream to get the bad taste out.

My Letter To Santa

Dear Santa:

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? Thank you for the early Christmas present--I think I will really like having a President Obama around. Here are some other things I would like for Christmas.

1. Please close Guantanamo Bay. It is an embarrassment internationally and a real slap in the face to the American system, where people are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law before a jury of their peers. Military tribunals have failed to act in a true American spirit. Please stop the horror now.

2. Please make sure that the inmates at Guantanamo Bay are either released immediately, or transferred into criminal courts and charged. Too many human beings have been held in a legal limbo, where even their lawyers can't find out what the evidence against them is. If we can't prosecute them openly, and give them the opportunity to adequately defend themselves, we should let them go home.

3. Please make warrantless domestic wiretapping go away too. We have yet to have any assurance that this program conforms to Constitutional protections granted to ALL our citizens. Plus, the Executive Branch isn't supposed to keep everybody else in the dark.

4. Please keep President Elect Obama safe from any crazy people who want their 15 minutes of fame from killing our first biracial president. There are enough crazy people in this world--don't let them get the best thing to happen to America.

5. Plus, if you can, I would also like a train set. And a puppy.

Thank you for reading my letter.

Your Friend,

The Mistress of All Evil

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

I love this video. This cat is completely cool. "Yeah. I got a bag on my head. What's it to you?" This cat is a zen master of imperturbability, and should be played by Kevin Spacey. With a bag on his head.

I don't have cats. I have a dog, and while he is a very patient dog who lets us dress him up in silly clothing, he would never tolerate a bag on his head like this. He'd be down on the floor with his paws up on his head trying to get out of it. Of course, being a dog, if he did get out of it, he'd then manage to get it stuck to himself with packing tape or something, and then he'd walk around with this thing dragging along behind him, and he probably just stop once in a while and shake his leg.

Because dogs? Dogs have discovered the evolutionary niche formerly occupied by the Three Stooges. They are goofy, and dumb, and tend toward extreme pratfalls. Cats, in contrast, are much more like Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert--yeah, it's kind of awkward and embarrassing, but they MEANT to do that.

The Day After The World Changed

As I dropped my kids off at school at 7:40 this morning, the news was that Coleman beat Franken by a mere 800 votes.

That is pretty inspiring--and I'll tell you why. The country is not as divided as the electoral college numbers would indicate. As Cpt. Sweetie told me last night, if you look at political maps county by county, America is more purple than red or blue. As a nation, we are not voting for a "party" reflexively.

That has been one of the great appeals of the Obama campaign for me, and it was again crystallized in his acceptance speech. He did not gloat, he did not give in to pandering to his base. He took the words of the iconic Republican President from Illinois, and he owned them. "Passion may have strained, but it cannot break our bonds of affection."

He explicitly acknowledged his obligation to the entire country, not just those who elected him. "Those of you whose respect I have not yet earned. . .I will be your president as well."

This is the antidote to the vivisectioning of our population that has been happening for the last eight years, and a heartening sign of that is that Coleman will go back to the Senate, and will have to work with this most conciliatory of Presidents-elect.
I have great hopes for our new President-elect, and they focus on his healing the rifts in our country that have been wedged open, widened and exploited over the last eight years. The acceptance speech last night was not a victory lap, but was an acknowledgment that this historic election is not itself change--only to opportunity to make change happen.

Obama set himself to the task of earning the respect of those who did not vote for him. He positioned himself as a worthy inheritor of Abraham Lincoln's legacy.

Morning in America

Just fractions of a second after polls closed on the West Coast, CNN called the election for Barack Obama. Regardless of your political team, this is an amazing moment for America.

When you look back at the history of European countries, or the Islamic golden age, or the incredible history of Greece and China, you really get a sense of how young our country is.

It was only 220 years ago that we adopted our Constitution, in which we allowed slavery to continue and counted slaves as only 3/5 of a person.

It was only 143 years ago that the Civil War ended and we no longer counted human beings as property.

It was only 4o years ago that Martin Luther King Jr. gave his last speech before he was shot down.

It was only 4 years ago that our country re-elected George Bush, despite his record of divisiveness.

That is the wonder of this country: that we have a system by which we can make these strides in such a short amount of time, and that our new President-elect will be ushered into his new position without violence or chaos.

We have been an incredibly fortunate nation, that the experiment that is our system of government has worked so well for so long. I hope that by the time my grandchildren (if any!) can vote, it will seem ridiculous that race had any role in our election of President Obama, and that history will look upon him well.

Cause I'm All About the Fluffy Puppies

For your viewing pleasure, courtesy of I Has A Hotdog:

Weather Wow

Wow. Just wow.

High of 75 degrees today. Yes, it is the third of November. Yes, I'm still in Minnesota.

I'll have to post a picture of the two enormous pink roses I found in my garden today.

Wow.