Nation Relieved: New Timewasting Web Site Launched

Spy Magazine used to have a feature called "Separated at Birth" which took unflattering photos of people and put them next to other unflattering people. Yes, I totally stole this for my Separated at Birth series.

Now the Good Folks who brought you cheezburger cats and hot dogs have a (mostly) human site: Totally Looks Like.


see famous look-a-like faces

Now you have something else to do other than actual work. You are welcome.

Random Thoughts on Oscars 2011

This is not my fashion commentary.  This is what would have been a live blog, except that it's already the next morning.  So sue me--I was enjoying watching it.

Anne Hathaway walked the red carpet in a Serious Red Dress.  Awww--she looks happy, relaxed, and ready for anything.  Isn't it amazing that she's an American actress?  She's beautiful in such a "you have a funny looking face" kind of way that American movies so rarely allow on-screen.

James Franco, however, has totally failed a softball interview in the "green room," which looks like a bar to me.  This may ultimately be the explanation for why he spent the majority of the telecast holding his head verrrrrry still.  Oh yeah, I just implied that Franco was drunk and/or hungover.  It was like he was emitting anti-charisma particles most of the night.

Kirk Douglas!  OMG--I was sure he was dead!  Interesting fact from PulledItOutOfMyAss.com--earlobes continue growing even after the rest of the body stops.  But isn't he being charming?  He's milking this appearance like the biggest ham ever, and I start to worry that the orchestra is going to be ordered to drive him off-stage with the Official Oscar "Your Time Is Up" music before he even gets the envelope open.  But no, it's good.  I love the rapport he sets up with Hathaway and how she responds.  And then the good looking Cane Caddy!  Is he KD's personal assistant, or was he provided by the show?  Either way, the hand over hand battle was well done.  Oh, and then Melissa Leo and KD--give these two kids a show!

Then the ceremonial appearance of the Lifetime Achievement award winners--kind of sucky, Oscar telecast, to be sooo committed to sucking up to the "Younger Demographic" that the people you feel are sufficiently talented to deserve awards for a lifetime of acting directing and producing don't even get a second at the mic.  But then I am unable to guess who is older--Kirk Douglas or Eli Wallach?  IMDB to the rescue--it's Wallach, by almost exactly 1 year.

Lots of costume changes for Anne Hathaway--love the beaded number, and then she twists in it!  She is now officially my favorite Oscar(TM) host ever.

In contrast, a surprising number of presenters are wearing the same thing they wore to walk the red carpet.  I have come to expect multiple costume changes from everybody.  Okay, Dion and Paltrow and Welch all changed, so the dressing rooms have been reserved for performers perhaps?  Or maybe Anne "A Different Look For Every Category" Hathaway has used up all the closet space.


Cate Blanchett: her generation's Helen Mirren?  Discuss.

Why is Russell Brand?  My brain has such a hard time with him, because one part is screaming "LOOK AWAY FROM THE SKEEVE!" while a different part is saying "he's funny!  He makes me laugh!"  Tonight a new part of the brain weighs in with "Oh honey, no--clean-shaven is not the right look for you."  And then I have to think about something else, lest the three-way brain battle causes my head to explode.  Oh look!  Helen Mirren speaks French and I can understand it!  She's so cool.

ABC is proud to host the OscarsTM until 2020.  You say that, ABC Lady, but somebody literally just screwed up your telecast.  Local maybe?  I got part of the OscarTM buffer--camera pans across statuettes with the envelopes leaning against them, then I got 2.5 seconds of what looks like young couple buying their first home ad, then a couple more seconds of OscarTM panning buffer, then the last half of the young couple ad--which turns out to be an ad for cat food, but cute as it involves young man giving young woman a kitten which is wearing a tag that says "will you marry us"--and THEN I got the first half of the cat food/new home buying ad, which ran up to the part where the second half had already aired, and then suddenly we were in the middle of one of your sentences where you were bragging about what a great job ABC does with the telecast.  I call "Shenanigans!"

Obama has a favorite OscarTM song and it isn't "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp?"  Color me disappointed.

Kevin Spacey has a nice voice.  Does he still make movies anymore?  He's also kind of creepy looking in a way inconsistent with movie musicals.

My kids are already scouring the interwebs for "Autotune the Oscars" in order to download "Tiny Ball of Light."  I kind of love "He Doesn't Own A Shirt" myself, mostly for the blatant pandering of it.  Here you go kids!


Oprah, wearing a dress from the Dollly Parton Couture Collection.  Honestly--do boobs like being pushed around like that?  I'm thinking she's going to have some strange marks about her chestal area by the end of the night.

Billy Crystal is kind of unrecognizable in a weird way.  Like a "lots of bad plastic surgery unless it's steroid therapy for lupus" kind of way.  He's still funny, but it's like his expressions don't recognize his face--there's a weird disconnect when he mugs, where I have to mentally assemble what the different parts of his face are doing to get the emotion he's conveying.  I hope things are ok in Chrystal World.

RDJ and Jude "I Used To Be Sooo Handsome" Law are bantering.  The banter is awkward because it seems like RDJ is talking about  tech issues from his Other Franchise, Not The One Jude Law Is In.  RDJ is my third favorite Sherlock Holmes, behind Benedict Cumberbatch and Jeremy Brett.  Which I guess means that the RDJ Sherlock Franchise is no longer necessary.  Jude Law is not on my list of favorite Watsons at all--or if he has to be on a Watson list, he's down below the Jeopardy-playing computer and my aunt's Maltese.

 Bob Hope Hologram--boy, do I see where Johnny Carson got his delivery.   How many more awards seasons until the Bob Hope Clone is perfected to take over hosting duties?

Something about Celine Dion's face is so annoying that I close my eyes so I don't have to see her, and miss the first however many seconds of the I See Dead People Montage.  Some of those faces just jump off the screen, don't they?  Jill Clayburgh, Tony Curtis, Leslie Nielsen.

Halle Berry is having such a sad life right now--I wonder if the fact that she is gorgeous is any consolation to her. 

Tom Hooper and James Cameron: Separated at Birth?  I know I couldn't figure out why James "Smurfs in Fern Gully" Cameron would be at the OscarsTM this year.  Let's go to the replay:

James Cameron

Tom Hooper

Nope--the age difference is too great for Separated at Birth.  I'm going with "unacknowledged love child."

Portman wins Best Actress.  After watching the clips, I was kind of hoping for an upset.  God knows I'm more interested in seeing "Blue Valentine" and "Winter's Bone" than "Black Swan."  The sad thing--Portman's life has nowhere to go but downhill from this moment.  Trust me--pregnant is much more fun than newly post-partum, even without diaper changing and sleep deprivation.  Pregnant, cute, dolled-up and Oscar-winning--nothing in the real world will live up to this moment.  Ever again.

Sandra Bullock ragging Jeff Bridges--"ya think ya might wanna stagger these out a bit?"  Give that woman a reality show or something.  I don't want to watch her act, I want to watch her be Sandy.  She too has had a terrible year.  Does being gorgeous, funny, and universally beloved offer her some consolation?

Colin Firth wins!  Of course he's charming--I think they must have charming lessons in school in England.  Except Christian Bale skipped out of his.  Maybe they're elective.

I like the speech somebody wrote for Steven Spielberg--the winner of the Best Picture will join such movies as [undeniably great films here].  The other nine (losing) nominees will join [undeniably great and unjustifiably OscarTM-less movies here].  That's a great way to say what everybody says--the honor is being nominated.  The winning kind of misses the point sometimes (often).  (But I still love "Shakespeare in Love" and you cannot take that away from me!)

And The King's Speech wins, everybody comes up to celebrate, and the orchestra plays over the third guy's chance at the mic, but He! Will! Not! Be! Denied!  So he cleverly thanks the Academy and they let him talk.  Ya know, HBC was so dang charming in that movie, that I might just have to go see it again.

What's the deal with this P.S.22 school choir?  Damn!  There's some cultural allusion I've completely missed--because you KNOW the OscarsTM wouldn't just pick some kids' choir--however good they are--and put them on the telecast unless they had already been a YouTube sensation of some sort.

And the show is over in less than 3.5 hours.  Franco can go back to school--he did himself no favors tonight.  But Anne Hathaway can come back next year.  Please?

Nagging Questions About James Cameron’s Avatar

I saw Avatar about two weeks ago, and I fully intended to blog a review. However, the damn computer ate my meticulously assembled and snarkily crafted masterpiece, and after that, it just had been Too Long to Bother reconstructing it. However—James Cameron just won TWO Golden Globes for the thing, and once again his tone-deafness to human social interaction was thrust upon my consciousness. The man makes terrible acceptance speeches, which shouldn't be a surprise, since he writes terrible scripts.

He also makes terrible faces--this one makes me just want to smack him. He also has terrible hair.

So, with a nod of acknowledgment to MovieLine's own wonderful article, here are my own Nagging Questions about Avatar.

1. Does the DNA really matter?

There is much technical babble in the movie about how the ten foot tall blue cat people bodies inhabited by the humans were created by mixing human and Na'vi DNA, which meant that when one of the scientists was no longer able to participate in the program (what happened to him, anyway?) they imported his identical twin brother to operate the avatar. This is why crippled Marine Jake Sully ends up on a planet he has no information about: his DNA is the key to keeping an expensive avatar available.

But is it really about the DNA? After all, in order to drive the avatar, Sully climbs into a modified tanning bed/sensory deprivation tank and closes the lid. From then on, it's pure virtual reality video game. There is no physical contact between the two bodies, and no reason to believe that consciousness is somehow free to move across space—but only if there are trace amounts of DNA on the other end. This is clunky plot cooking—Cameron thinks he needs a newbie on the planet in order to show us the world through the experiences of someone who hasn't seen it before. This is the same hamfisted storytelling that sent Billy Zane chasing Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet through all the decks of the sinking Titanic with a gun! Why tell a story that is simple, understandable, and affecting when
you can amp up the melodrama instead?

Would a blood transfusion have given a REAL scientist enough compatible DNA, maybe?

2. Why aren't the Pandora Helicopters Powered by Dyson fans?

It's 2010, and we have a fan with no blades—in the 22^nd century, a bladeless helicopter would be AWESOME.

3. How do alien predators get enought to eat to stay alive?

One of the persistent problems with Avatar is the piling on of movie clichés—Pandora might look like nothing you've ever seen before, but the rest of the movie is the equivalent of the turkey tetrazzini you are still eating a week after Thanksgiving. You've seen it before, and it was better before it was rewarmed. (Or, as Shakespeare would put it, we're tired of the baked funeral meets which coldly furnish the wedding feast.) One of the worst instances of this is the behavior of the giant predator that chases Sully on his first day in the field.

The predator sneaks up behind Sully as he's facing down a herd of large, meaty, dumb hammer-head dinosaurites. So, once he's got Sully, Sigourney Weaver, and a third scientist within reach, as well as a herd of large, meaty, slow moving dinosaurs, does the predator grab dinner and run? Of course not! That wouldn't be sufficiently clichéd, so it has to stand stock still and scream. Same evolutionarily successful behavior as the ice monster from JJ Abrams' Star Trek too—what are the odds? So, does it tenderize the meat? Is that why they do it?

Then, rather than go after the LARGE, MEATY, SLOW MOVING HERD of meat snacks, or grabbing the two IMMOBILE scientists—the monster takes off after the Marine—the one guy who has any hope of out running the monster. Not that Sully has a realistic chance of outrunning a giant predator, but movie predators all seem to be victims of Zeno's Paradox¸ unable to ever actually close the distance.

4. Why does Cameron think the Na'vi live in harmony with nature when they brainwash it?

Or as MovieLine so delightfully puts it—isn't it kind of rapey? I mean, how do you tame a Pandoran horse? Do you approach it with gentleness and kindness, teach it to trust you, work with it daily over weeks and months, until the two of you learn to respect each other? Or do you take your USB ponytail, plug it into the animal's brain and violently override its will with your own? Oh, yeah, kind of rapey.

Then—in the case of the banshees—the poor animal has only one rider its entire life. Offensively patriarchal and violent. Oh yeah, that's right. We're talking about James Cameron again.

5. Why spell Na'vi with the extraneous apostrophe anyway?

This also appears to be one of those stupid conventions to signal "non-English" and "alien." It's not like the Na'vi have a written language that we ever see, and it's not like the apostrophe stands in for a tongue click, or an inhalation, or some other verbal interruption. Just spell the damn word "Navi," or even "Nahvi." Or for laughs, make them a race of grocers and sign makers, who are famous for their liberal use of extraneous apostrophes. "Banana's $.69/lb"—I know you've seen those signs.

6. How terrible a Marine is Sully—did the guy get ANY training in tactics and strategy?

So Sully decides to take a stand against the humans and he gathers 2000 warriors, a number that ridiculously worries the humans inside the compound. All the Na'vi warriors have is body paint and spears. Meanwhile, the (presumably) outnumbered humans have battle helicopters, ambulatory armor, and automatic weapons—just for starters. So, when you are badly outgunned, out armored, and generally more vulnerable than your enemy, the logical thing to do is—FULL FRONTAL ATTACK! Of course! Because as you ride over the fallen bodies of the numerous dead, it gives you the advantage of. . .the leverage of. . .Oh. Wait. It gives you EXACTLY NOTHING. Dumbass.

Now I'm no Marine, and I've never studied military strategy, but even I'm thinking "why don't you round up a herd of those hammer-head things with the skin that is impervious to bullets. Those ones that can knock over giant trees with their skulls. Then drive them in front of you and let them trample down the walls, smash the armor, and then you can take on the puny humans mano a mano." I mean, say what you want about George Lucas, but even the frickin' EWOKS had more sophisticated military strategies than Cameron's alleged Marine.

7. Did Sully HAVE to be the guy to ride the dragon?

This one is just offensive. Only 5 Na'vi in the history of the planet have ever raped ridden the leonopteryx—why did Jake Sully have to be the sixth one? Wouldn't that have been a great opportunity for one of the other stock red shirt Na'vi to have a moment of heroism? Someone who knew the risks, but was willing to sacrifice himself to save his people? Oh, wait—my mistake. That would have been good storytelling, and we're talking about James Cameron.

8. Does Cameron think that just because they won this battle the mining companies won't be back?

In the end of the movie, the puny humans are sent packing off-planet, under the watchful eyes of ten foot tall blue cat people carrying automatic weapons. "Only a few were allowed to remain" exposits Jake Sully in voice-over. And then the Na'vi go off and celebrate under their fiber optic Grandmother Willow. But the Native Americans didn't get to keep their land or way of life after the Battle of Little Bighorn, and the Empire Struck Back, so don't go thinking that this is Happily Ever After.

Oh, wait—this is MY mistake. This is just the set up for Avatar Part Deux; The Electric Boogaloo, and an endless series of video game spin offs and paperback series novelizations. Cameron learned SOMETHING from George Lucas in addition to "Awkward Dialogue 101."

9. Is Colonel Quaritch really JJ Jameson?

Separated at birth?

10. Where did Sully get his lighter?

After Sully outruns the stupid (and very very hungry--see #3 above) predator, he's stuck in the jungle at night at the mercy of advancing leopard/wolf/dogs. We see him dunking a branch into a convenient tree hollow full of kerosene and lighting the resulting torch. The guy just ran through the jungle and lost his gun, his pack, all his equipment—where did he get a Bic lighter from? Let's not even talk about why anything is flammable on a planet that is entirely bio-luminscent and where the Na'vi never build fires.

Worse to my mind is the scene at the end where Neytiri manages to struggle free from a fallen animal that had pinned her legs and kept her from saving Jake from Colonel Quaritch until she is able to shoot him in the chest with a HUGE arrow. And he still won't die! So she shoots him a second time, and the second arrow is the one that finally does the Bad Guy in. But where did that second arrow come from? The Na'vi are usually mostly nude, and while they carry honking big bows, I never saw a quiver.

Where did Neytiri store that second arrow? From the same place Bugs Bunny is always able to pull lighted sticks of dynamite? (Cartoon Law Amendment E)

11. Why do the alien Na'vi have human fingernails?

We already know why the females have breasts, but fingernails are not accounted for.

12. Did James Cameron give proper credit to the screenwriters of Fern Gully?

FernGully: the 1992 movie in which a non-human female teaches a jarhead about the importance of environmentalism, and then the bulldozers come and knock down the trees.

13. Is the Ambulatory Armor really just Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Separated at birth--again?

14. Where is the Air Bender?

I'm certain there are more nagging questions—feel free to post them below

Separated At Birth, or the John Derek Syndrome

Surely you know the John Derek Syndrome. It's when you repeatedly divorce your spouse only to marry HER EXACT DUPLICATE! It's kind of like the Dread Pirate Roberts--the position of Mrs. John Derek was filled for years by women with different names, but they all looked the same: Ursula Andress. Linda Evans. Bo Derek.

It was like he grew them in his basement, and once one was "too old" he simply released a younger model.

So, imagine my horror when I discovered I have that exact Syndrome. Let me explain.

For about the last eight months, I have been virtually marinating in U2. Got the latest album: check. Went to the concert: check. Bought the complete oevre from iTunes: check. Signed up at U2.com, the official web site of the band: check. Stayed up way way too late on a school night to see the band on Conan O'Brien: check. Feels that God is in his heaven and all is right with the world because U2 won all five Grammys for which they were nominated: check. Turn "Vertigo" on EXTREMELY LOUD to get the kids out of bed in the mornings: check. Find myself feeling withdrawal symptoms when I forget to listen to U2 on any given day: check.

So, is it any wonder I have developed a celebrity crush on The Edge?

I mean, just look at him! He's handsome, he's got a lovely smile, he's incredibly talented while remaining criminally unpretentious. He sings! He plays guitar! He lets Bono make fun of him in public! He's my boyfriend and you can't have him!

But, like all the worst fairy tales, I started to wonder. Why does he wear that knitted cap all the time? Sure, he's always worn hats:

But what is the deal with that cap? Is it like the Phantom of the Opera, and he is afraid to take it off? Is he hiding Lord Voldemort on the back of his head? What is it? So, I Googled him, looking for what he looks like without the cap.

And I found one.

And I discovered he looks just exactly like one of my other boyfriends.

Patrick Stewart.

Separated At Birth?

Now I know why I always feel like I somehow "know" Jack White, even though I don't listen to the White Stripes, except for that one song that was the opening credits music for Napoleon Dynamite, but I totally liked that song before the movie when they played it on the alternative radio station and I didn't really like the movie at all though I can understand why it got so popular because its just full of one-liners that you can say to your buddies when you are at your locker bitching about having to go to health class and how it sucks to have P.E. first period because you can never get your hair right under a hand dryer and you spend the rest of the day looking totally not cute.

Anyway.

Jack White--I totally believe he is a supremely gifted musician and is undeservedly underappreciated and is finally getting some popular attention for (and not in spite of) the unusual artistic choices he makes.

And then I realized that it was totally NOT Jack White I was thinking of.

Separated At Birth?

Philip Glass was in town last weekend, performing for the re-opening of the Walker Art Center, as he did when the museum opened in 1975. While he is a noted figure in modern arts, when I listen to him talk (go to "State of the Arts for April 15, 2005, and start listening at 00:30), he sounds just like Mitch Cohen (especially at 1:28 and 2:10).

They don't look very much alike though.

Separated at Birth--Dirty Sherlock Edition

When I switched off Orange is the New Black (which I will review after I've seen more than 2 episodes), what should come onto the television but Dirty Dancing.

For many people, that was a defining movie. Not necessarily for me, because--OLD. But I came in just as Baby ends up at a staff dance party, and dances with Johnny--the lithe and cat-like Patrick Swayze.

Of course, I stopped to watch the dancing!













And there was an odd familiarity to Mr. Swayze in that scene--he reminded me of somebody.

Something about the slated eyes and chiseled cheekbones.

Wait! That's not Patrick Swayze!

Swayze.

 

Not Swayze.

The likeness is stronger in the film than these still images convey. But really, Swayze and Cumberbatch--both are worth watching in just about anything!

Separated At Birth--Dallas Edition

Remember Dallas? Remember those poor, sad, repressed Ewing wives, who had to live at their in-laws fabulous enormous ranch, and had nothing to do all day but wait for their hubbies to get home from deal making, power brokering, moving and shaking? Remember poor Sue Ellen?

Ah, Sue Ellen--married to J.R. and probably the prototype desperate housewife. Everyone was mean to her, no one ever listened or spoke to her, and J.R. was hardly ever home. No wonder the poor girl took to drink. I'd drink if I had to be married to Larry Hagman, even for pretend.

Sue Ellen was the "bad" daughter in law. Pam, played by Victoria Principal, was the "good" one, and "bad" seemed to mean "drunk and willing to talk about her unhappiness." The make-up department did a good job of making her look harder and more mask-like as time went on. She was the one you could see would someday get suicidal, anything to get out of the hell house she was trapped in.

According to the internet, there is some discussion about reviving Dallas as a movie. There is much speculation that J.Lo would get this part. But if they do cast J.Lo, the producers will be overlooking a candidate who is already dressed and ready for the part.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jessica Simpson. (Photo from the Met Costume Gala as fugged on Go Fug Yourself. Thanks, Fug Girls!)

I mean, she looks spectacularly trashy. The dark red lips already in a downturned grimace of jaded disappointment. The shiny shiny dress with too much cleavage, because she is trying to make J.R. jealous, plus she was drunk when she got dressed, and so she isn't sure if this is really the front of the dress. It sure is making Miss Ellie give her the skunk eye. She looks perfectly poised for a drunken row with her scumbag husband, which is the only thing that actually got her up and away from the liquor cabinet--she was sure she would see her no goodnik husband and could confront him with all the ways he's disappointed her. Like drinking and dialing, only in public.

J. Simpson's star has faded recently, and it looks like she's starting to feel as desperate as Sue Ellen always did. Let's give this girl something to do, shall we?

Separated At Birth--Make This Happen Edition

Hello, have you met Your Captain America?

Yes, that is Chris Evans. Looking like a younger, but equally soulful Bill Nighy.

Now I want a movie in which they play son and father, or perhaps the same character at different ages.

Somebody make that happen for me, mmmkay? Thankx.

Separated At Birth--the Johnny Depp Version

So, I've finally watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," and it's far better than I expected. I've never liked "The Candy Man" song from the Gene Wilder version, that movie was just sort of like saccarine Tab--sort of artificially sweet with a bad after-taste, and an inescapable '70s sort of cheesiness. I didn't really see the need for a new one, as the old one was still available for those who wanted it. Not that I thought anyone really did want it.

The kidlets were also soured on it--the Bunny loved the older version, and was staunchly against any tampering with it. (So, she's not got infallible taste--we still love her.) Pony had been punished with the "Willie Wonka Welcome Song" earworm--friends and acquaintances sang it, repeatedly, and it was soon inescapable. No one at Chez Evil wanted to see it.

But the times, they are a-changing. Pony is now in 7th grade orchestra, and they are playing selections from the soundtrack and was watching the movie in school. Bunny has mostly forgotten the Gene Wilder movie and has been playing the PS2 game version. I have seen several Johnny Depp films and find him an extremely interesting actor to watch. (Yeah, sure, he's also often veritably dreamy, which never hurts, but as Willie Wonka...not so much). So, I rented the DVD.

It was better than I expected, and much less "off" than I remembered the older one. Depp was about as far from Captain Jack Sparrow as he could be, I loved Deep Roy as the ubiquitous Oompa-Loompas, and the fantastic sets were so purely executed with joy and verve that I immediately understood why Tim Burton was drawn to the story--it was the kind of world by which Tim Burton movies often seem inspired.

So, being the geek that I am, I went to IMDB and read trivia and connections and comments and reviews---and came across Roger Ebert's review in which he compares Depp's Wonka to Michael Jackson. Which, I remembered, I had read when the movie first came out, and which added to my impression of creepiness and my desire to stay away in droves from the film.

But, actually watching the movie, it seems to me that Ebert missed the boat. Johnny Depp might have some superficial resemblance to Michael Jackson, but not so much that when I watched the movie I thought of the "King of Pop." Depp's Wonka has no interest in children, and would avoid them entirely if he could. He does not keep pets--unlike Michael Jackson's pet rat and monkey and other zoo animal pets, Wonka keeps squirrels only because they can remove walnuts whole from the shells. Wonka's animals have jobs and responsibilities and probably even hourly quotas and union breaks.

It's the voice, though, that I really couldn't place. Michael Jackson has a distinctive breathy voice, best captured in the line from the "Thriller" video: "I'm not like other guys." (No shit, Sherlock!) There is just such a little-boy-lost/Marilyn Monroe quality to his voice that is so inseparable from the creepiness that is Michael Jackson that to remove the voice is to remove the likeness.

And Johnny Depp does not speak in a breathless voice in "Wonka." He has a fairly flat affect, actually, and a little chirpiness, accentuated by the slightly higher pitch he adopts. It's got the immaturity of a boy's voice before it changes, which suggests the perpetual pre-adolescence Willy Wonka has built for himself.

But there was something else that I just couldn't place. Something about the cadence of his line reading, the way he refused to speak any of the children's names. He called them "little boy" and "little girl" as if those were, in fact, the children's names. He spoke in the royal third person with that odd nearly cheerful inflection that recalled....recalled...

Church Lady.




I would have gotten it much faster if one of the winners of the Golden Ticket had been ...


SATAN!!!!

Emmy Fashion 2007

I know, you are dying to hear what I have to say about the Emmys. First of all, I hardly watch any tv any more--not because of any principled beliefs about tv being a waste of time or anything. Rather, I don't watch tv because I'm too busy doing stuff on line. So I didn't even bother reading the nominees, because most of them are shows that I don't know about because I don't watch them.

Turns out the Emmy voters must also feel the same way, because the same few shows took home everything. Sopranos--it was their last season, so of course they won just about everything. Tony Bennett--who doesn't love Tony Bennett? So he won too. And Helen Mirren--sure, she just won an Oscar, but the Emmy is the real prize, isn't it? Plus, she's British, and just about everybody can find their PBS channel--it's usually down there in the single digits, much easier to find than all these cable channels. Did you know that cable channels change from city to city? It's true!

So. The fashions. Men wore tuxes. <snore> Now let's talk about the women!

Yes, Christina Aguilera's dress was separated at birth from Anne Hathaway's Oscar Prada. I happen to like the proportions of Xtina's better--the bow is not so overwhelming, and it's very existence is a sassy nod to Xtina's interesting condition--there were years in which all maternity clothes had little bows on them. This one, however, is not overtly "maternal," and manages to distract the eye from her little bump--also giving her plausible deniability if she needs it. Although there are other photos that indicate she's willing to go public.

I have one little concern--when these two dresses are viewed side by side, there is a hint of cheapness to Xtina's--as if it were a copy manufactured for the affordable prom market. Still, it gives here a flirty Old Hollywood kind of glamor, and on the whole, I like it. And it's a whole lot classier than this hot mess, which I guess is a post awards outfit:

I thought strapless gowns stayed up through their own engineering. This one, however, looks like the only thing keeping it up is some double faced tape, and any energetic movement is going to dislodge even that. The fake tan looks even more orange against this dark teal, and even the hair looks more helmet head than glam. Sometimes, change is NOT a good thing

Separated At Birth--Straight Guys Playing Gay Edition

Jake Gyllenhal and Steve Carell.

Separated At Birth--Siblings Division

These two beautiful women are 7 years apart in age--so not twins, but they surely look related; Amy Adams and Kate Walsh.

Separated At Birth: Shoes Division

Genetic lottery winner and actress Gwyneth Paltrow has some truly terrible taste in shoes.
















Wait. Those kind of look familiar. Could they be. . . .















. . .Naruto's?

Just because you are a ninja fighter, doesn't mean you can't also have a decent pedicure, right?

Separated At Birth: Fan Girl Edition

Just because the last post made something else obvious to me:

Yes, I definitely have a "type."

Separated At Birth--Hunky Edition

So, as I'm watching The Departed (review below), I'm finding the newly beefed up Leo DiCaprio kind of distracting. He was such a wispy little thing in Titanic: he looked like Kate Winslet would defeat him in three rounds or less. (N.B.--I adore Kate Winslet, this is not a dis.) But with his new bulk, he looked like someone else. Someone I've seen recently. Who could it be. . . ?


Paging Dr. McSteamy. Dr. McSteamy to the OR.

Separated At Birth--Love Hurts Edition

Okay, so I asked the "Ginger or Mary Ann" question for women: Bono or Edge?

This, however, may make the whole thing moot. Sorry Bono. Believe me, I say this out of love, and it hurts me to say it. But especially since you cut your hair--shaved it, actually--you look like that formerly cool, currently schmaltzy actor, Robin Williams.

Pssst: It's NOT a good look.

Separated At Birth--Toys Division

Which of these are the dog toys? Which are the baby toys? If you can't tell, how can your dog? Or your baby??