Oscar Bloggerhea

I love watching the Oscars, even though I rarely get to see the movies beforehand. This time, I thought I’d try blogging the telecast, which worked until I got involved and forgot to keep writing. With some editing and additions, here is what I thought about the 2006 Oscar Awards.

First—the red carpet. I had to make dinner and actually be a parent, so I only caught a little bit.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman—Following the trend of becoming blonder for the Oscars. He’s got a deep black outfit, with a white tie. I have no idea whether it’s a good decision sartorially, but in profile, all it does is highlight his enormous belly. It’s a line of bright light curving around his bulk like a crescent moon. Does the ultrasound say it’s going to be a beer keg?

Felicity Huffman—before tonight, the fashionistas predicted she’d do a Swank, and wear something very very girlie—something that announces “yes, I played a man in a movie, but I’ve really got breasts.” She turns up on the red carpet in black Zak Posen, with a décolletage that goes to her waist. There is a huge bell skirt, with a shorter front that hits her mid shin. Not really terribly attractive, and the neckline—which isn’t really there—is not just low, but really disconcertingly wide, showing us that she has a lot of space between her breasts. Inches and inches of space that is just skin and sternum. The giant suspenders of the dress pass for a front, and are plastered across what appear to be non-existent breasts. Actually, I’ve seen some drag queens with that exact look—it’s the illusion of breasts, not the real thing. Which is really sad, as her hair and make-up are really well done and make her look as lovely as I’ve ever seen her.

Amy Adams—What is the deal with her dress? It’s got a ginormous bell shaped skirt with lots of flounces and swags. And, apparently, pockets. Who puts pockets in a ball gown? Amy Adams I guess. OMG—is it…leather? I didn’t see Sandra Bullock’s pocket gown until later—not a fad that should spread.

Jessica Alba—lots of camera time. Yes, she is lovely. Yes, she looks like a million bucks in her beautiful dress, with her beautiful skin and her beautiful smile. But…why is she even at the Oscars? Fantastic 4 didn’t get any nominations so far as I can find…

Keira Knightley—Girlfriend sure is skinny! She has an interesting dark dress, which I later learned was an eggplant Vera Wang, with a cut that like those Barbies from the 1950s. Either that, or she’s had her legs surgically joined at the knees. At least she’s not blonde! Way to buck the trend!

What is this mess Naomi Watts is wearing? The color is nice—shows off her hair, but why oh why is there a seam right around her hips? It’s at an odd spot—not really a dropped waist, because it’s higher than that, but nowhere near her waist. And did she bend over the limo paper shredder on her way to the awards? The bodice of that dress only looks like it was intentional because it matches her hair—which is so crispy and immobile that it couldn’t have been inadvertent. Hey, Naomi—you’re a very pretty woman. Why do you do that with your hair? Suddenly, I’m channeling your mother, aren’t I?

John Stewart—great opening. Love all the past hosts. Halle Berry and George Clooney in bed with Jon.

Who made poor Keira Knightley next to Jack Nicholson? What did she do to be punished so? Who did she refuse to sleep with? Or, who does Jack Nicholson have pictures of that allows him to arrange his seatmates?

Charlize Theron—made up like Goldie Hawn in her salad days. Except Golde Hawn didn’t have a man-eating bow on her shoulder. No, not Goldie—Elizabeth Montgomery. Let’s see if she twitches her nose. No, not quite right—hey! It’s this generation’s Zsa Zsa Gabor! Dahhhhhling!

Keira Knightley again—is that Nick Lachey on her other side? What did she do to the seating arrangement guy?

Love the joke—Capote showed that not all homosexuals are handsome cowboys. Some of them are effete New Yorkers.

Cloons wins! Supporting Actor, which he takes from Nicole Kidman, who is wearing a dress that is actually paler than her skin.

Yeah! Wallace and Grommit wins the Animation Oscar! Helena Bonham Carter and her breasts are in the house, and gave voices in two of the three nominees. After seeing her in the audience, from a cantilevered camera angle, we get the original bosom buddy—Dolly Parton!

Rachel McAdams—blonde? Why blonde? It doesn’t do anything for you, honey—just washes you out and makes the dimples turn into lines. Not everyone can do blonde—be a gorgeous brunette, and stand out!

Oh no, who gave Lauren Bacall such a difficult speech? She looks good—hey, she’s blonde now too? –but her speech! It’s like we had to watch her lose her mind right in front of us. If you’re going to use an icon like she is—make certain nothing goes so frighteningly wrong!

J. Lo! Stay away from the tanning booth! Geez—it’s a good thing you wore a green dress, or you would have looked like an actual film noir, all those sepia tones. Later, I saw a picture of her on the red carpet, gazing at her husband, and there is a HUGE white spot behind her ear where the spray tan missed. Ouch.

The meme tonight is bringing props up for the acceptance speech. We got big floppy bow ties from Nick Park, big stuffed penguins for the winning documentary. What should Heath Ledger and Ang Lee bring up?

How cute! Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep are presenting Robert Altman’s Honorary Oscar using his trademark overlapping dialogue. Both entertaining and charmingly affectionate.

Wow—was Crash as pretentious as the staging of the nominated song from the movie? Sort of a dry ice version of The Raft of the Medusa!

Uma Thurman wearing a lovely pale pink gown—after last year’s bedsheet debacle she looks especially good.

Hey, I just noticed—all five best movie nominees are also best director nominees. This hasn’t happened for a few years.

Larry McMurtry’s writing partner, Diana Ossana—wow, she looks an awful lot like Ann Margaret. As much like Ann Margaret as a normal human being can look.

Gotta love the make-up presentation. Steve Carrel working those eyelashes. Too bad they had to verbalize the joke—Carrell’s slow blinks were priceless. I guess we know why he’s been a virgin for 40 years.

Crash just won for best picture, and a very excited woman in a tangerine colored strapless gown had to hold an Oscar in one hand and pull her dress back up her boobs. Great camera awareness!

Trend spotter—large teardrop earrings. They can’t be diamonds—they are clear and look like the pieces hanging off the chandeliers in my house when we bought it.

Commercial for Don Pablo’s Mexican restaurants, promotes their “all you can eat” fajitas. Small print indicates that it’s “dine in only.” Which raises the question: How could you do “all you can eat” take-out?

Overall, I thought this year’s Oscars were less weighty, more whimsical than past years. There has been such an uncomfortable pretentiousness to THE OSCARS and the MOST IMPORTANT award on the planet. It lead to some horribly awkward moments as actors—who after all are NOT writers—tried to speak about BIG ISSUES and make the GLOBAL AUDIENCE aware of their pet project. This year, the jokes were smaller, the participants seemed more relaxed and actually attempted to be entertaining! I can get behind a trend where the Oscars aren’t just for the winners, but are designed to be entertaining for the audience too.