SAGs--And The Winner Is. . .

What? You say they actually give out awards for acting at this event? Wow. . .and WHO CARES?

The most important award is who the Mistress of All Evil thinks is the best dressed woman at the event, and so -- the envelope please.

And the winner is. . .

Anne Hathaway!





















Yes! In her Grecian inspired column gown, she pulls off the goddess look without succumbing to the one-shoulder trend of the moment. Will we be able to look at one shouldered gowns without thinking "That is SO January 25, 2009?"

For looking elegant, unfussy, comfortable and distinctive, Anne Hathaway walks away with this year's most coveted prize.

Crime Wave Strikes SAG Awards

Dateline--Hollywood

Police have no leads as to the latest wave of criminal activity to hit LA. Apparently, someone with an impressive set of shears has been attacking Hollywood actresses and leaving them with only one shoulder to their gowns.
















Evan Rachel Wood, Christina Applegate and Nicolette Sheridan were escorted to police headquarters, but could not make any positive identification.

TV stars from several shows have also been victimized. Lisa Edelstein, Angela Kinsey and Brenda Strong have also suffered the Snipper of Doom.
























Not even the prestige production actresses are immune. Laura Linney, of the HBO mini-series "John Adams" and Viola Davis of "Doubt" have not escaped this mad spree.























The police have requested that any member of the public who has information about this Sartorial Shoulder Snatcher call Crimestoppers. Thank you for your attention.

More SAGs

What can you say about these two women and their statistically improbable boobs?

Paula, honey--Eva L-P did this look better at the Globes. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but adding the butterfly wings to the bodice does not actually provide any lift to the boobs.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. You are hot. You clearly work very hard at it, and all, but when Playtex advertised that their bras would "lift and separate" that didn't mean it was a good look when the boobs did it all by themselves.

Cool Kids Clubhouse at the SAGs

Marcia Cross: Okay, as founding member and president-for-life, I now call the Pale Skinned Red Heads Club meeting to order! Our first order of business--Dark Colors Really Look Best.























Amy Adams: Look, just because you are the oldest member of the club, does that really mean I have to wear what you tell me to wear? I mean, the aubergine you made me wear to the SAG Awards was a nice color, but did I have to wear the bow from the Neiman Marcus gift wrap counter?























Marcia Cross: As president-for-life, I hereby amend the charter to say that nobody may speak in a meeting before being a member for at least a year.

Amy Adams: Look, sweetie, I have been nominated for an Oscar. I sang on the goddamn Oscar telecast. I am a star! Star star star! Take that, TV matron!

Marcia Cross: Don't make me show you the pictures of you in that wrapping paper dress you had on last year. Don't tell ME you never bought your dresses at the gift wrap department.






















Amy Adams: Arrrrggh! My eyes!

Marcia Cross: So, next item of business. Do we invite Evan Rachel Wood to join the club, or do we wait to see if she goes back to imitating Dita Von Teese?

Amy Adams: (sotto voce) Get her in here--at least she didn't get stuck with re-purposing her birthday present as an evening gown.

Desperate Housewives at the SAGs

Nicolette Sheridan: One Grecian urn. . .TWO Grecian urns. . .and a water fountain. Trickle trickle trickle trickle.

Teri Hatcher: Oh my god, Nicolette. What are you doing? Eurythmics are so Nineteen-ought-six!

Nicolette Sheridan: Teri! That dress is so clever! I think I saw it in a book called "Creative Napkin Folding."





















Teri Hatcher: Oh! You beeyotch! Marcia, tell her she's wrong!

Marcia Cross: What? Are you talking to me? La la la, I can't hear you, I'm too busy talking to Up And Coming Hollywood Star Amy Adams about the advantage of dark colors on pale skinned red heads. Maybe we'll invite Evan Rachel Wood to join us in our cool new clubhouse.






















Teri Hatcher: Fine! Fine! I'll go get Eva. Eva! Nicolette is being mean to me again!

Eva Longoria Parker: Damn it feels good to breathe! Just look at how much more room I have in this dress than in that red thing I wore at the Golden Globes. Plus, this one has a little tummy ruffle, so it covers up that I've been eating stadium food at Troy's games. But, why do I have this sudden craving for orange sherbet?



















Teri Hatcher: Okay, just be that way! I'm going to go change and go back down the red carpet again, and I'm totally going to make everybody forget about you. I just hope nobody notices that I forgot to wear the right bra, and so I had to fill up the dress with kleenex.

Everything Old is New Again

You know Christina Hendricks as Joan Halloway from AMC's Mad Men, the vintage 1960s series.
















Here, she appears at the SAG Awards in a costume for her upcoming Mae West tribute show, "Sister, Can You Spare A Hat?"

America Ferrara at the SAG Awards

Well, sure, I looked cute and fresh and young in my satin Golden Globes dress, but I sure got a lot of grief about it. Look, satin is hard to make darts in, and if you make a mistake you can't really rip out the seams and do them over again! So the bodice didn't fit exactly right--I was counting on the crystals on the collar to be distracting enough. I guess they weren't.



















Okay, so, now that I have another chance I'm going to go for higher contrast, so if there are any mistakes in the gown, nobody will notice because their eyes will be totally distracted by some other aspect of my dress.





















No--I did not get this idea from the Miss America pageant where the sashes have to be fastened to strapless swimsuits! I wish I could remember where I got this idea from, though.

SAGs--What???

OMG, how did this happen? I missed the SAG Awards! I hate missing awards--all those shiny pretty people wearing fabulous clothing and jewels and standing still so I can judge them for tiny slips and mistakes while I'm wearing some really old jeans and picking nail polish off my fingers!

Okay, maybe I got distracted by the Oscar nominations and just forgot to pay attention to all the other awards being bunged about like bread at The Drones--oh hey look! Shiny!

But my mistake shouldn't make you suffer, so let's go to the Judgmental Clothing Blog! SAG edition!





















Angelina Jolie: Is this dress too boring? It's too boring, isn't it? I knew I should have gotten out of bed earlier so I didn't have to wear my bedsheets tied on with a shoe lace.

Brad Pitt: "I am very drunk, and I intend on getting still drunker before the end of the evening."

Angelina: The shoelace doesn't show, does it? And nobody can see the bunny slippers I forgot to change, right?

Brad: "You still think you're the cutest trick in shoe leather."

Angelina: I don't know--it looked all right at home, but now it's just. . .just. . .blah. I'll lose my reputation as one of the best dressed women in Hollywood.

Brad: "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation. "

Angelina: I don't even have on any lipstick. I think I was going for subtle, but now I look like I've just eaten off my make-up or something.

Brad: "I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. "

Angie: (fretting) And I don't have any jewelry on. At least I did something with my hair, or everyone would just assume I'm tired and pregnant again and I just don't care. I was busy, okay? I have. . .four, five. . .how many children do we have now? Anyway, I'm a mother, and sometimes being a mother means you end up going out looking tired.

Brad: "A cat's a better mother than you."

Angie: So, at least you are here with me, so I don't have to do the "who are you wearing" interviews by myself

Brad: "You go into the arena alone. The lions are hungry for you."

Angie: Stop that! Just because you can grow a cheesy mustache and scrunch your eyebrows up like that, you are not the Second Coming of Clark Gable, so stop quoting from Gone With the Wind. You aren't going to remake that movie and you are just getting annoying.

Brad: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."