Wednesday, January 28, 2009

America Ferrara at the SAG Awards

Well, sure, I looked cute and fresh and young in my satin Golden Globes dress, but I sure got a lot of grief about it. Look, satin is hard to make darts in, and if you make a mistake you can't really rip out the seams and do them over again! So the bodice didn't fit exactly right--I was counting on the crystals on the collar to be distracting enough. I guess they weren't.



















Okay, so, now that I have another chance I'm going to go for higher contrast, so if there are any mistakes in the gown, nobody will notice because their eyes will be totally distracted by some other aspect of my dress.





















No--I did not get this idea from the Miss America pageant where the sashes have to be fastened to strapless swimsuits! I wish I could remember where I got this idea from, though.


SAGs--What???

OMG, how did this happen? I missed the SAG Awards! I hate missing awards--all those shiny pretty people wearing fabulous clothing and jewels and standing still so I can judge them for tiny slips and mistakes while I'm wearing some really old jeans and picking nail polish off my fingers!

Okay, maybe I got distracted by the Oscar nominations and just forgot to pay attention to all the other awards being bunged about like bread at The Drones--oh hey look! Shiny!

But my mistake shouldn't make you suffer, so let's go to the Judgmental Clothing Blog! SAG edition!





















Angelina Jolie: Is this dress too boring? It's too boring, isn't it? I knew I should have gotten out of bed earlier so I didn't have to wear my bedsheets tied on with a shoe lace.

Brad Pitt: "I am very drunk, and I intend on getting still drunker before the end of the evening."

Angelina: The shoelace doesn't show, does it? And nobody can see the bunny slippers I forgot to change, right?

Brad: "You still think you're the cutest trick in shoe leather."

Angelina: I don't know--it looked all right at home, but now it's just. . .just. . .blah. I'll lose my reputation as one of the best dressed women in Hollywood.

Brad: "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation. "

Angelina: I don't even have on any lipstick. I think I was going for subtle, but now I look like I've just eaten off my make-up or something.

Brad: "I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. "

Angie: (fretting) And I don't have any jewelry on. At least I did something with my hair, or everyone would just assume I'm tired and pregnant again and I just don't care. I was busy, okay? I have. . .four, five. . .how many children do we have now? Anyway, I'm a mother, and sometimes being a mother means you end up going out looking tired.

Brad: "A cat's a better mother than you."

Angie: So, at least you are here with me, so I don't have to do the "who are you wearing" interviews by myself

Brad: "You go into the arena alone. The lions are hungry for you."

Angie: Stop that! Just because you can grow a cheesy mustache and scrunch your eyebrows up like that, you are not the Second Coming of Clark Gable, so stop quoting from Gone With the Wind. You aren't going to remake that movie and you are just getting annoying.

Brad: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama Is My New Hero

On his first day in office, President Obama signed an order to close Guantanamo Bay. This was such the right thing to do, but even I didn't think he'd do it that quickly.

I had hope for our new president, but he's exceeded what I even imagined by acting so decisively and quickly. Sure, there are issues that have to be resolved, but he's ordered all the quasi-judicial military commission proceedings be stopped for 120 days while the cases are reviewed. Not only did he make the orders, he created a deadline.

All I can say is this:


Thursday, January 22, 2009

For Football Orphans Everywhere

You say you don't like football? You have given up even watching the Super Bowl for the commercials, because even they aren't worth it? Are you a Super Bowl orphan, uninterested in watching the Big Game that the other members of your family are glued to?

Have I got a solution for you.

For the fifth year in a row, Animal Planet brings you the world famous Puppy Bowl!
















Can you stand the cuteness?


While large men are crashing into each other, you can focus on various dog breeds playing in a large area with no interference--although a ref will whistle a foul if one of the puppies makes a mess on the field. Once picked up, however, play resumes immediately.

Last year, we were given the insanely popular Water Bowl Cam, which should be back again this year. Don't miss the kitty half time show!

In a move designed to pull your heart strings, all the puppies in this year's Bowl game are from shelters, and so are all adoptable.

Yeah, it'll be on in our house.

And In Other Movie News

Of course, Oscar nominations are only the protons of the atomic particles that are Hollywood. The electrons are the RAZZIES.

Yup, when you celebrate achievement, karma demands you create balance in the universe by celebrating the true stinkers at the bottom of the pile. The WORST performances, movies and directors. And the nominees are:

Worst Movie--also Worst Screenplay:
  • Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans.
  • The Happening
  • The Hottie and the Nottie
  • In the Name of the King
  • The Love Guru
Worst Actor:
  • Larry the Cable Guy
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Mike Myers
  • Al Pacino
  • Mark Wahlberg
Worst Actress:
  • Jessica Alba
  • The cast of The Women
  • Cameron Diaz
  • Paris Hilton
  • Kate Hudson
Worst Supporting Actor:
  • Uwe Boll as himself
  • Pierce Brosnan
  • Ben Kingsley
  • Bert Reynolds
  • Verne Troyer
Worst Supporting Actress:
  • Carmen Electra
  • Paris Hilton
  • Kim Kardashian
  • Jenny McCarthy
  • Leelee Sobieski
Worst Screen Couple:
  • Uwe Boll and ANY camera, screenplay or actor
  • Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher
  • Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore
  • Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy
  • Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel
  • Disaster Movie/Meet the Spartans
  • Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
  • Speed Racer
  • Star Wars: Clone Wars
Worst Career Achievement:
  • Uwe Boll
Now, I know you are going to want to run out and see all these performances before the awards ceremony on February 22! Go!

Just In Time!

Oh thank god! The well that was the Golden Globes had just about run dry. I had pored over every fashion stitch and mis-step, I had chuckled (cynical and knowing as I am) about the 90 member "Hollywood Foreign Press" feeding off of American studio money while awarding prizes to non-American actors and movies. I had wrung every drop of excess and snark out of "Miss Golden Globes"--isn't that J.Lo's title-for life?

Face it. I had used it up. No more highs to be gotten from the remaining husks of that event.

So now what?

The Oscar noms are up! I'm good for another month now!






















Best Picture:
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • Frost/Nixon
  • Milk
  • The Reader
  • Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor:
  • Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
  • Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
  • Sean Penn, Milk
  • Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress:
  • Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
  • Angelina Jolie, The Changeling
  • Melissa Leo, Frozen River
  • Meryl Streep, Doubt
  • Kate Winslet, The Reader
Best Supporting Actor:
  • Josh Brolin, Milk
  • Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
  • Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
  • Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road
Best Supporting Actress:
  • Amy Adams, Doubt
  • Penelope Cruz, Vicki Cristina Barcelona
  • Viola Davis, Doubt
  • Taraji P. Henson, Benjamin Button
  • Marissa Tomei, The Wrestler
I'll stop there for now, but boy, are we going to have fun with this list!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

When Boobs Misbehave


Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: Okay, we've been spotted, I'm going to make a break for it.

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: Wha. . .? What are you doing?

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: I think the guy in the dark suit and sunglasses is a cop. The jig is up. I'm heading to our hide-out in the armpit over here.

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: (hissing) You get back here! You can't leave, we're on the red carpet, for gods' sakes! We're surrounded by photographers! You'll never make it!

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: Look, I've arranged a diversion. Those wrinkles down the front are going to grab all the attention while I make my getaway.

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: No they're not! They're just what happens when satin gets into a limo--they've all seen it before.

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: Then the clutch! What is a clutch for, anyway, except a diversionary tactic to take attention away from something that might be going wrong!

Rachel Griffiths' Left Boob: That's not going to work! She didn't bring the bright colored one OR the one covered with sparkles--Eva Longoria Parker got that one. You don't have a chance with that bland thing she's got that's the exact same color as her hands. Look--you are NOT leaving me here alone to take the blame for this!

Rachel Griffiths' Right Boob: But I can't get caught! Salma Hayek's boobs tried to get away, and now they are locked up tight! I'm too young to go to prison!

Too Cold For Humans To Live Here

I got up this morning and the temperature was -15 degrees. That's Fahrenheit, folks! It's even colder in Celsius. (-26 according to a temperature converter.) And that is OFFICIALLY Too Cold For Human Life.

This is probably the hardest winter I've had for something like 15 years. And when it is this cold, it is harder. Cars don't start, and if they do, they aren't anything like warm for quite a long time. And thanks to carjacking, it's stupid--if not downright illegal--to leave a car running unattended while you let it warm up.

I had to fill my Prius yesterday, and it was so cold that something inside the tank was apparently frozen, and I couldn't put more than 2 gallons into it at first. It was so cold the other day that the controls froze, and I couldn't turn off the radio, or change stations, or change the climate controls, or much of anything until the car warmed up. Which I had to do while sitting in the damn thing, because. . .well, see above.

The clasp on the dog's leash freezes, and I have to stand in the cold and warm it with my hands so the poor animal can go out. It was so cold today that he walked out, experienced the weather, and changed his mind.

This is the kind of winter when you understand those stories about people who put on long underwear and literally don't take it off until spring. These are winters when you can read Laura Ingalls Wilder and viscerally understand what she went through. Sure, I don't have to trek through blizzards to go milk the cows, but there are people who still do. I'm especially glad for indoor heating and plumbing.

These are the days when the cold makes the sky a blazing blue, and the snow sears the eyes with whiteness. These are days when the world looks flash frozen, eternally blue and white with cold, the trees all bare and lifeless. When the least little errand takes more time and effort than seems possible, and hibernation seems like a decent coping strategy. When it is this cold, it is impossible to believe that warmth will ever come again, that there will ever be a day when you DON'T have to put on three layers of clothing just to go outside, that you will ever be able to turn off the faucets without worrying that the pipes will freeze, that you wonder why you ever thought you would need air conditioning in your house. These are days when Global Warming seems like a Good Idea.

These are days when fleeing south becomes tremendously attractive.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Golden Globes--Random Thoughts, with Pictures!!

Marissa Tomei, sporting her Pirates of the Caribbean audition costume. Actually, I really liked this look--totally unlike anybody else on the red carpet; undeniably formal yet looking remarkably comfortable.





















No, that's not a belt, it's a sash, for holding her scabbard, ya scurvy dog!

Cameron Diaz, once again taking the "tumbled out of bed" look too literally.





















Furthermore--what is with the hair? The two-tone look is just so bad and so obvious. If you are going darker, for a part or just for a change, couldn't you dye the ends to blend better than that? Or, if you've damaged the ends beyond repair, and simply have to grow them out--there HAS to be a better hairstyle that would hide what look like Extreme Roots.

The dress is a pretty color, but the hair makes the whole thing look rumpled.

Gerard Butler looks mighty fine:





















Since I haven't seen "Phantom of the Opera" or "300" I don't know the answer, but does he always talk with just the one side of his mouth? I have no idea what he was presenting, I was so fixated on the way the right side of his face didn't seem to move the entire time he was talking. Did he just wear the Phantom mask for too long?

Drew Barrymore--LOVE the dress.




















The hair--not so much. It looks like Angie Dickinson in "Police Woman", or like the drunk and desperately unhappy Ewing wives of the old "Dallas" show. This is not a good thing.

On the other hand, you look happy, and pretty, and the dress is great, so we're going to assume you were assaulted by a stylist who had breathed in too many hairspray fumes. We don't blame you, dear.














Big honkin' rings. What is the deal here? This is Evan Rachel Wood sporting a big honkin ring on her index finger, the only color in her outfit, and it's just weird looking.

Amy Adams had on a similar one--same color, and same finger even. At least hers matched her earrings, but still!

Olivia Wilde has one on as well, but I've already posted her picture a bunch of times, so you'll just have to go back and look there.

Listen, I know how hard it can be to stop when it comes to putting on sparkly things--and these are (probably) even real! (If loaned.) But unless you are either the Pope or Marlon Brando in the Godfather, put down the rings and nobody gets hurt.

Scary Women

What is it about these women? They look like they'd rip your throat out as much as look at you. Maybe they are lovely, maybe they are lad favorites, but they scare me.






















Olivia Wilde looks far too frightening to be wearing such a soft pastel. The light lavender says "innocent" and "light-hearted," while her face says "I can project laser beams out of my eyeballs, so DON'T CROSS ME, bitch."





















Meghan Fox looks like maybe she was carefully genetically engineered, and then vacuum-packed into that dress. As soon as she thaws out completely from her cryogenic intergalactic trip, she's going to kick some human butt.

J.Lo--well, for one thing, she's J.Lo, famous for being perfect. But I bet her twins are scared straight when she gives them this look.




















At least you can tell she's not gonna wear any damn corset.

Golden Globe Trends--Make-up

Not really a trend, just not something I thought we'd see--the arrival of make-up so understated that it looks like the actress isn't actually wearing any.

Exhibit A--Renee Zellweger:



















What is going on here? She's got an armored dress on--her hair is totally "professionally styled," but she's so pale it looks like she just scrubbed her face with Physoderm or something.

No color on her lips, no visible eyeshadow--even her eyebrows look no more than just barely shaped. Frankly, I think she looks pretty washed out, leaving us nothing to distract ourselves from the weirdly diaphanous top to her dress. Is she wearing a corset under there?




















Finally, Amy Adams. Yes, we love Amy just like we love Maggie Gyllenhal. She is cute, funny, capable of many different looks. The one she is modeling here is called "Tired."




















Which is really too bad. The hair is supposed to be loose around her face, and her make-up is very understated, but she just looks like it's been a long hard week already, and it's only Sunday night.

Could somebody fetch her some coffee?

Golden Globe Trends--belts

I never really thought of a belt as an accessory to an evening gown, but there were belts aplenty at the Golden Globes this year.



















Laura Linney--who is a fabulous actress and whom we love unabashedly, has a jeweled belt which keeps her gown from looking too much like a toga, and adds some evening bling to what might otherwise look like an overly long sundress. It might not be fair to even call this a belt, since it so defines the dress shape--maybe a "jeweled waistband?"





















Olivia Wilde has a highly pleated and ruched dress, with a sort of "self-belt" added in. Does it really add anything to the line of the dress? It does emphasize her waist, at least in this close-up, and gives her somewhere to wear a diamond brooch, since she hasn't got any shoulder to pin it on.

Even the English thoroughbreds are wearing belts--Kristin Scott Thomas and Kate Winslet. Kate's is--again--not really necessary except as a way to define her waist. No harm, no foul on this one, other than as an instance of a trend we may need to nip in the bud.



















Kristin's is kind of, how do you say, matronly? I am not at all fond the contrast between the taupe satin and the black belt. Maybe it's just that I think the combination simply repeats the unfortunate color of her too dark hair and her washed out complexion. Or maybe it's that the dress itself is so meh that all there is to look at is her too dark hair and her belt.




















Even her make-up is just meh. This is what I think of whenever somebody mentions "a middle-aged woman."




















The whole thing is just too Mother Of The Groom for a red carpet, don't you think?


Maggie Gyllenhal--one of my favorite actresses since "Secretary." I thought that was a tremendously brave performance and she sold it. She is also capable of selling me on this gown which most critics didn't like. But here a belt makes sense--it constructs the shape of the dress, which would probably otherwise look like a muu-muu, it's a coordinating color, so it doesn't overwhelm the dress, but is an integral part of it.



















Maybe it's just her unusual (for Hollywood) looks, but this dress gives off a 40s vibe for me, with the single big ruffle on the shoulder, and the narrow and tailored line of the rest of it--the kind of gown you'd make if you had fabric rationing to keep the Boys at the Front supplied with uniforms.


Kyra Sedgewick's may be my least favorite belt. For one thing, it looks like those cheesy belts that used to come with just about everything--self-fabric or something, where somebody glued the remnants of the dress to a slightly-more-supple-than-cardboard backing and called it a belt.



















Plus, there is no point for a belt there--the dress doesn't really have a focal point at the waist, as Olivia Wilde's does, and the belt just makes the dress look like a geometry proof on isoceles triangles. The dress is obviously tailored to her body, and wouldn't have billowed around her without the belt (as Kristin Scott Thomas' threatens to do). In fact, without the belt, the dress would have projected more of the old 1930s glamor than it does. I think the belt actually reduces the dress's ability to make a statement.

Finally, the end of the belt just dangles in the air. There is no loop to keep it close to the body so it just reinforces the image that Kyra just couldn't leave the house without a belt--to keep her gun in, perhaps?

There were more examples of belts, but let's just declare this a trend that shouldn't continue, shall we?

Golden Globe Trends--Corsets

I know that these women are fabulously fit and beautiful, but the look--the look just screams corset. Are they really back?




















Christina Applegate is a decent example--there is such a stiffness to the upper half of this dress, the old 1950's strapless look, when you'd swear the dress would stand up by itself. In fact, Christina kind of looks incidental to the dress, like it's wearing her.



















Lisa Edelstein was an early arrival, and E! spent a lot of time showing her. This picture doesn't quite show what I was seeing, which was a woman in a dress that held her boobs up like they were being served on a platter, above a cinched waist.




















Amy Adams is a tiny person, as anyone who's seen "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" can testify--you see ALL of Amy Adams in that film, and there's not a lot of flesh there, but even she looks like that dress is doing a lot of work that she doesn't need.


Nobody, but NOBODY worked their gown more than Eva Longoria-Parker, and she looked FABULOUS. But just look at the perfect lines of that dress and tell me there's nothing but Eva under there. Yeah, I couldn't keep a straight face either.



















Here's Sigourney Weaver, totally smokin' as she approaches 50, but she has a body that looks like a real human body.



















Her boobs aren't up on a shelf, and she didn't cling to a bedpost while Mammy pulled her laces to get her 14 inch waist. You look at Sigourney and you really see how artificial the look is up above.
Yeah, I know, what a surprise, Hollywood is artificial.

I don't mind it that they are totally corseted--I just don't want to see it trickle down to the rest of us!

More Golden Globes

Just because it's now two days post-show, does that mean I'm going to stop posting about it? Hells to the no!




















So, let's get started: Evan Rachel Wood. Doesn't she look lovely? Such lovely skin, and she has such elegant bones.

Girlfriend has dropped the Marilyn Manson look and no longer goes out in public looking like she's been playing in her mother's makeup.



















Yup--it's official, I'm old. Because what is this post but someone old enough to be her mother is saying to this 22-year old "You have such a pretty face! Why do you cover it up like that?"

Actually, I also like the more dramatic look too, but don't tell anybody or I'll lose my mom credentials.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Golden Globes Gewgaws

I was going to call this "Golden Globes Gossip" but I missed so much of what was televised. Yeah, it sucks when you are called on to actually parent your kids during something as important as a televised awards show. So, I didn't see the big winners, I missed out on a lot of the post-show chatter, but that WILL NOT STOP ME from posting anyway.

Eva Mendes.



















Loved the dress. Could not take my eyes off the necklace, which I did hear was from 1974, and really had to be one of the few things from that era that was worth keeping around. The hair? Not so much. It was messy--not artfully, intentionally messy, more like "I fell asleep in the limo while waiting to get onto the red carpet" messy. But she's so beautiful, it probably doesn't matter at all.

I've already expressed my desire for Susan Sarandon's diamond chain, so the other piece of neckware that is crave worthy was Beyonce's:



















As the bootylicious babe demonstrates, you can't be too rich or have too many diamonds.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pretty, Pretty People





I am watching the Golden Globes, because what is better on a wicked cold January night than seeing pretty pretty people in pretty pretty clothes wearing pretty pretty jewelry. I started with the red carpet show on E! (Does one pronounce the exclamation point? And if so, how?) We are told that it is really hot in LA, which sounds delightful to me, as rather than 80 degrees, our weather forecast consists of more snow and then arctic temperatures.

You know what? Red carpet interviews are really boring. Especially the first ones, since there are only about 5 "stars" here yet, and we have to keep going over and over the same outfits--first with Ryan Seacrest (how does this guy have a career? Is there such a thing as negative charisma? And what happens when it comes in contact with actual charisma?), then with Guiliana Rancic, and again with Jay Manuel and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat.








(This is not it, but it's not far off either.)


But the show finally gets some energy with the arrival of Alec Baldwin--blowing and then swallowing an enormous gum bubble--and we get the answer: when actual charisma comes in contact with negative charisma, the negative charisma slides off screen and surrenders his microphone.

Ricky Gervais! Isn't even nominated, but is here with his normal sized wife. Am I the only person who hasn't noticed before this that Ricky Gervais has vampire teeth? He totally does.












I loved him standing up as a presenter still holding his beer.





















Why oh why does anybody interview Rumer Willis? She is "Miss Golden Globe"--which is not a speaking part nor is it worth asking any questions about either. The hair color is good, the dress isn't exactly bad, but DUDE! She's the crossing guard for onstage! This is not air-worthy.




















Susan Sarandon and her son--we love Susan Sarandon, don't we all? She wants to keep her diamond chain. I want her diamond chain. She looked luscious, timeless, and comfortable. I want to be Susan Sarandon in my next life.

There were a ton of beautiful dresses and women and jewels. Lots of bared shoulders and mermaid hemlines. I can't wait for the people magazine.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

In Which I Sound Pretentious. Again.

I'm in the January Blahs, and so I've started reading genre fiction. A lot of genre fiction. I've picked up the first of the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris, as well as a batch of books by Jennifer Crusie. Because nothing gets you through the slow times like a fast paced genre novel.

And it's kind of amazing how really plot driven these are. I mean, finding dead bodies in your freezer, someone torching your house, or getting hit hard enough to break bones--doesn't even slow these women down. It's like the dialogue could be nothing but numerous repitions of "Oh no! Oh well." And as they never slow down, I can't either--I find myself unable to do much of anything until I've finished the book and found out who the embezzler/murderer/Mr. Right is.

And it's in these sort of "chick lit" stories that I've noticed something. In at least three of these books I've read recently, good sex is used as a metaphor for the awakening of the personality. Crusie is especially noticeable in doing this. Her heroines are married or engaged (or living with) nice, dull, safe men, and they have nice, dull, safe sex. Something comes along and throws a "bad boy" type into her life, and she sleeps with him, and realizes that her life is boring and she wants more.

Now, a hundred years ago--I'm thinking Kate Chopin here--the novel "The Awakening" was about how a women became dissatisfied with her safe and dull life, and her realization was a metaphor for a sexual awakening that marked her new life. Nowdays, the novel you buy in the rack at the grocery check-out line has perfectly reversed that. Is that how our society has changed? Or is it just the result of not-very-good writing?

I don't know, but it struck me. Of course, since these are genre, the "bad boys" aren't really all that bad, and they end up domesticated and marrying the heroine, which has to be reversionist, doesn't it?

Comparisons

Great minds think alike, and Cpt. Sweetie and I gave each other DVDs of Mystery Science Theater 3000--fortunately not the same ones. One is from the early years, when it starred Joel Hodgson, the other when Mike Nelson was marooned on the Satellite of Love.

Which led me to this realization:

Joel is to Mike





















as Steve




















is to Joe.













Yes, Alex, I'll take obscure pop culture references for $600.

Random Thoughts

Why is it that "warm" and "charm" don't rhyme, but "worm" and "firm" do?

Why do we call her "Lady Jane Grey" when she was married and a queen? Shouldn't she be Queen Jane I, or Lady Jane Dudley?

Why are dogs the only pack animals we've domesticated?

What is the difference between a "pack" and a "herd"? Carnivore vs. herbivore?

Why do men wear pants, since tailors have to ask which side sir dresses on? Wouldn't skirts make more sense?

Why is a tiny little island like England the producer of so much great literature? Does it have to do with the fact that it rains all the time so people are stuck indoors?

What WOULD you do, if you knew you could not fail?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The Things They Say

The other night, Cpt. Sweetie was trying to convince both girls of the importance of math, which--of all the things they are willing to spend time on, math is the least worthy of their attention (in their minds).

Cpt. Sweetie: You know, it used to be parents told their kids to eat their vegetables, because there were starving kids in Asia who want your food. Now we tell are kids to do their math, because there are starving kids in Asia who want your jobs. In the future, you are going to have to compete against billions of people for your jobs.

Sursels: I didn't know being a janitor was so popular.























And she said it with such a straight face, with just the right timing. I swear Cpt. Sweetie fell out of his chair laughing.

Monday, January 05, 2009

WALL-E, revisited

So, the Top Movies of 2008!!! lists are starting to appear. They are pretty uniformly filled with foreign and/or art house films that haven't appeared here in Flyover Land. Yet. But at least one list contains a movie I saw. Yup. Wall-E.

Now there are lots of reasons this movie is brilliant. It re-introduced the world to the ectomorphic splendor that is Tommy Tune. It dared be a major release in which nothing is said for 45 minutes (more or less). It had Fred Willard. I liked just fine.

But a top ten movie of the year? There weren't any other movies that struck an emotional chord or made an indelible impression on the viewers than the obviously pedantic Humans Trashed The Earth By Drinking Too Many Big Gulps? Kind of a sad commentary on movies.

Look, I don't have an objection to movies that have a message, but I'd prefer that message be transmitted with more subtlety than a baseball bat across the cranium. In the first 45 minutes, we get it. We more than get it. Humans made a big mess and left somebody else to clean it up. The whole movie could have ended when Wall-E found the tiny green plant and took care of it. There--a small green hope for the redemption of the world. Moving, charming, even thought-provoking. What happened to the humans? What if they never came back? What if they did? Which would be better?

But we have to go get bashed with the message over and over again--humans who do nothing but eat, drink, and watch TV. They have no contact with other humans (so where do the kids come from? And who is making the TV shows?), but live in self-contained little pods of comfort and turn into pillowy blobs of flesh that don't do anything. Did we need that? Didn't we get that idea from all the trash left behind? What more did the entire second half of the movie do?

I'll tell you what it did: it lectured.

I don't like to be lectured at, and neither do my kids. They have started boycotting IMAX films (the non-major motion picture ones) because they just lecture. Oh, sure, it looks like it's going to be about the amazing majesty of the Grand Canyon, but it's actually a 50 minute harangue about water. And it's not that there are any suggestions about what to DO about the problem--just feel guilty about it as we grind it into your face.

And to my mind, that's what Wall-E did too. It lectured us, then mocked us, then lectured us some more, then slapped a Happy Ending over the credits. After a movie as delicately aware of the trials of family life as The Incredibles, Wall-E was truly ham-fisted.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

New Dogs and Old Tricks


We have had Bermondsey for about three and a half years now, and he continues to be a Very Good Dog. But he has one behavior we are at a loss to understand.

When we first got him, he had been a stray for at least 3 weeks, and was only about 8 months old. Wherever he had been before he was found in somebody's garage, he hadn't been there very long, but he had apparently had a good start on some training there. We also think that there had been a doorbell there.

That probably sounds obvious, because doesn't everybody have a doorbell? Well, no--we don't. We have a reproduction brass bell that is operated by turning a key in the center of the bell, and it sounds a lot like a bicycle bell. We have had this bell for many years now, longer than we have had Bermondsey.

Surprisingly, there are a lot of doorbell rings in the old Monty Python Flying Circus shows--which we are watching most nights this week as a Family Activity. And each time a doorbell rings, Bermondsey runs out of the room to the front door, barking.

He hasn't heard a real life doorbell for the vast majority of his life--but he apparently remembers. It must be that fierce territorial instinct that has lead him to recognize the threatening sound of the UPS truck door opening. Gotta keep that pack safe from the dangers of delivery to the door!

Happy 2009

So, 2008 was personally a pretty great year. The family is weathering the economic roller coaster ride, everybody has been (mostly) healthy, life is looking good looking into the new year. Things I've especially liked about 2008--in no particular order:

  • Cpt. Sweetie survived a management re-organization that axed a number of other really good people. Not only did he survive, but he even got a promotion.
  • We had a lovely long summer on the boat this year, with lots of gorgeous days for being on the water without too many mosquitoes!
  • My Prius!
  • My iPod Touch. With just a couple of small tweaks, this could replace my laptop.
  • The kidlets were able to be in two middle school plays together this year, including a one-act of A.A. Milne's "Ugly Duckling" where the first 7 minutes of the play were a dialogue between the two of them.
  • My dog continues to be a sweetie and a great addition to our pack.
  • My depression continues to be under control and hasn't interfered in my life.
  • My studio continues to be a lovely place to do art and write.
  • I continue to be challenged and energized by my gig as a member of the Mom Squad for the St. Paul Pioneer Press. I have met some wonderful people I would never have met otherwise, and it's been a great way to see how far I have come as a parent from those hard years when the kids were little. Come check out the conversation here.
  • My girls continue to grow into their teen years with grace, charm, and balance. They remain excellent friends, and are still willing to show their affection for us as well.
  • My extended family continues to be healthy, secure, and I have even gotten to see them all a few times this year.
  • Our country elected a leader who acts with integrity, speaks with care and consideration, and has explicitly condemned Guantanamo and called for its closure.
So--looking back, I have been very fortunate, and I am grateful for what I have. My best wishes to all of you for a wonderful 2009. It's already looking pretty good, with GWB out of the White House in 19 more days!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Time Surely Flies. . .

Yeah, I've been quiet for quite a while. I blame the holidays. We traveled south to the Grandparents Sweetie home for Thanksgiving, and they don't have WiFi! I know! There was one computer wired to the incoming cable, and five of us with laptops! In the past we have ridden on the coat tails (okay, okay, stolen bandwidth) from neighbors, but they weren't running their WiFis either. So I kind of fell out of the habit.

Upon returning home, of course, there was the Attack Of Christmas, and there is simply no whining I can do about that holiday that every last one of you isn't sick of, so we'll just skip that.

Post-Christmas, however, that is a tabula rasa. I can work with that.

We have established a new routine here at Chez Evil, that will just about last until the kidlets return to school: Monty Python dinners. Cpt. Sweetie received the entire series on DVD for Christmas, and we have been watching a disc each evening while eating dinner.

Can we talk? How is it that even 40 years later, Monty Python is still so funny? And how must it be to be one of those fellows and realize that nothing you do the rest of your life will be as big as Python was and is? I don't know about you, but I was about 14 when I discovered The Boys, and some of their lines have entered my brain and I say things that I no longer remember came from there. It's like coming out of of amnesia to see Graham Chapman leading a group of Vikings in clamoring "Fishie, fishie-i-o!" and realize "That's where that came from!"

It's a bit odd, probably, for the kidlets to watch some of the saucier skits with Their Parents, but really, isn't that a transition we all have to make, recognizing parents and kids as people?

Thus far, that was probably the most successful gift of the whole Festivus.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Homer's Odyssey, Book 16: A Study Guide


The text (from the Internet Classics Archive) gives us the reunion of Odysseus/Ulysses and his son Telemachus like this:

Ulysses came back inside the hut. His son was astounded when he saw him, and turned his eyes away for fear he might be looking upon a god.

"Stranger," said he, "how suddenly you have changed from what you were a moment or two ago. You are dressed differently and your colour is not the same. Are you some one or other of the gods that live in heaven? If so, be propitious to me till I can make you due sacrifice and offerings of wrought gold. Have mercy upon me."

And Ulysses said, "I am no god, why should you take me for one? I am your father, on whose account you grieve and suffer so much at the hands of lawless men."

As he spoke he kissed his son, and a tear fell from his cheek on to the ground, for he had restrained all tears till now. but Telemachus could not yet believe that it was his father, and said:

"You are not my father, but some god is flattering me with vain hopes that I may grieve the more hereafter; no mortal man could of himself contrive to do as you have been doing, and make yourself old and young at a moment's notice, unless a god were with him. A second ago you were old and all in rags, and now you are like some god come down from heaven."

Ulysses answered, "Telemachus, you ought not to be so immeasurably astonished at my being really here. There is no other Ulysses who will come hereafter. Such as I am, it is I, who after long wandering and much hardship have got home in the twentieth year to my own country. What you wonder at is the work of the redoubtable goddess Minerva, who does with me whatever she will, for she can do what she pleases. At one moment she makes me like a beggar, and the next I am a young man with good clothes on my back; it is an easy matter for the gods who live in heaven to make any man look either rich or poor."

As he spoke he sat down, and Telemachus threw his arms about his father and wept.


The re-enactment of this touching scene, as performed by the 5th Period 9th Grade English Class.

O: Telemachus. I am your father.
T: Aw, hells naw!
O: It's true.

[O and T simultaneously draw a finger down from the corner of their left eye to the cheek, as if tracing a tear.]

Curtain down.


Makes you wish you were there, doesn't it?

Oh Yeah! I'm Bragging!


Tragedy struck Chez Evil this evening, when I discovered we were out of Bailey's Irish Cream. Yeah, it's a horrible enough situation that I went out In The Dark, in Seventeen Degree Weather to go to the liquor store and correct this appalling situation.

This particular liquor store double checks ID against the credit card--they have probably been on the unpaid end of some credit card theft, so they check everybody. So as the clerk rang up my purchase, I handed him my driver's license and credit card.

He glanced back and forth between the two, checking that the names matched --WHICH they DO--and handed back my license. Then he did a double take. Then he asked for my license back, because he wanted to CHECK MY BIRTH DATE!

He seemed a little confused as he handed it back the second time, and I said something dismissive like "I really am old now."

His answer? "No, I thought you were in like your twenties, like twenty five or something."

SCORE ONE FOR EVIL!!!!

Hooked on Puppies

The fabulous Suefunky sent me this link, and it's gotten addictive. Beware! This link will take you to cute puppies!
















It's a live feed of a litter of 7 Havanese puppies inside a puppy playpen. I can tell I've gotten too attached when I clicked in this evening and noticed which items have been removed for laundering.

Okay, that was maybe a little bit too revealing about my pathetic life. It's a good thing I don't have any more information about these puppies, or I might be tempted to acquire one. Or two. Would all seven be excessive?